Does Your Body Suffer From Absentee Parent Syndrome? – In Session with Marc David

Introduction

0:01Welcome to the Psychology of Eating podcast, where food and body challenges are the doorway into a happier, healthier life. Now, here's your host, eating psychology expert and founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, Mark David.

0:25Welcome everybody. I'm Mark David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We are in the Psychology of Eating podcast.

Meeting Maxine

0:33I'm with Maxine today. Welcome, Maxine. Hi, thank you for having me. Glad you're here. So for anybody out there who's new to the Psychology of Eating podcast, Maxine and I are meeting for the first time. We're going to do a client session together and see if we can make some good things happen. So Maxine, if you could wave your magic wand, have whatever you wanted with food and body, what would that be for you? Oh my goodness. If I could make a wish, it would have me not feeling stress and anxiety when I eat.

1:07It would have me just enjoying food. It comes with so much stress for me that if I could make a wish and just enjoy it and be happy and not be concerned about weight and how I look and how I look to others when I'm eating, like that would be great. We can do that. Yes. Okay. Let's see if we can.

Food Stress

1:29So give me a sense for how long in life has food been stressful for you? I don't remember it not being stressful. Um, I can take you way back. So, uh, came from England to Canada when I was very young and I, I have celiac, but we didn't know that when I was little. So food from very little caused pain. And so I associated pain with it.

2:00Um, as I got older, I had a lot of trauma in my life and I think food was something I could control or not control. And so I would like either be extreme and eat a lot or go the other way and not eat at all. And it's been since I was very, like, I do not know life and with a healthy relationship and food, unfortunately.

Weight Loss

2:28So have you been trying to lose weight? My whole life. I don't, I don't know life without that either. And it's interesting because I've listened to you and like, you, I feel like you said to somebody at one point, you know, look at yourself right now, because you're never going to be that again, you know, to enjoy now. And I think of all my nows where I should have been enjoying. And I mean, at one point I was 90 pounds and very, I mean, unhealthy. And then, um, yeah, I, my weight has fluctuated so much, but I've always been hyper focused

3:00on it. Like just, I needed to be better. I need to be thinner. I need to, I always needed to lose weight. Like, as I sit here right now, I'm the biggest I've ever been.

3:11How much weight do you want to lose?

3:15Probably 30 pounds. How much? 30, 30 pounds. Yeah. Okay. So have you ever been at the weight that you've wanted to be at? Yes, I have. When was the last time? That I weighed what I would like to be now?

3:37My goodness. Um, maybe like five years ago. So what happened? You hit that lovely number.

3:51Yeah. What happened that I gained or what happened? What happened after you lost it? You, you, you. Oh, I'm not. I'm never satisfied. It's never enough. It's. I had, uh, there's so many things where I hear you in my head. My relationship with my mom was not, it wasn't the best that we probably both wished it could be. And, uh, I think because of her own insecurities, like she would, I was, when I was thin, she would call me chubby. And I think that some of that is manifested in me.

4:24So I never see myself as I am. Um, so five years ago when I was at a weight that I should have been satisfied and happy with, I wasn't, I've never been like, I don't think I see myself as I am. It's like, it's hard to explain. Like, I wish that I wish I could look in the mirror and go, my gosh, you look beautiful Maxine. And, and to be, you know, there are sometimes I feel I look better than I did the day before, you know, and maybe put something on and I feel good, but deep down, I feel, I feel

4:59big. I feel heavy. So when you lost the weight and, and got to your magic number, you still didn't feel okay about yourself. No, because then it's like, well, should it be, should I be smaller than that? Should it be less than that? Like it's, it's, it's never, I don't, I don't know how to be satisfied with my weight. And I just feel like, I don't know. I, I don't know what's my ideal for me.

5:31I think part of the problem is I've been called, like, I, I'm afraid to tell you how much I weigh, but I, I mean, I've been called like by doctor and like by, uh, um, um, uh, dietitian obese. And I was shocked that I fell into that category, you know, and things just stay with you when you've had somebody say things like that. And I don't know.

6:01I just, I don't, I wish I could just be happy a hundred percent as me and have dinner and feel good eating dinner and I just wish I could feel, this is where you come in. Yeah. Yeah. I need your help. How old are you now?

6:1858, three weeks ago. 58, you said? Three weeks ago. Yes. Three weeks ago. Happy birthday. Thank you. Are you in relationship? Are you married? I am not. I am single. I would love to be in a healthy relationship, but as it stands right now, it's just me and the dogs, the bird.

Happy Relationships

6:37Right. So is there an area in your life where you could say, I pretty much know how to be happy in relationship to this part of my life? Relatively happy, relatively satisfied. Is it that I know how to get there or I know how to be that or? Yes, both. Either. A part of your life where you could say to yourself, yeah, you know, I can be pretty happy

7:11about this part of my life. I feel happy about this part of my life. My children, my kids, I have my kids. Oh my goodness. My kids are my heart, my soul, my, my everything, my breath. I've never been so proud of people in my life as I am of my four children. They are the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. And had I not been blessed to have them, I would want to meet them. I would want to know them. They're so cool. They are great people. So yeah, my kids make me happy. Absolutely. A hundred percent.

7:41And I'm just wondering, can you say more specifics? So part of it, your kids make you happy. It's because sort of who they are and you look at them and you go, wow, these are amazing people. And some part of you must go and they're my kids.

7:57Yes. Yes. I feel blessed that, but I raising my children. I feel like I got given a huge blessing because they just were such easy kids to raise. They were just really kind and loving and just good humans. Just great. But they, they bring so much joy into my life. I'm blessed. You know, they call, they text, they message on a daily basis and they allow me to be part of their adult lives, but they're all married and they invite me in. And it's, it's a great feeling.

8:27That makes me happy. Absolutely. How many kids? Four. What's the mix of girls and boys? Three boys, one girl. They range in age from 28 to 36. All right. Okay. So how would you describe their weight? Their weight? Yes. I think they're all beautiful and perfect. I, I, I, I've never looked at them like at their weight.

8:58I just see great people. But if I had to go and look at them in that aspect, I would say they're all very fit and healthy.

9:07Yeah. How do you think their relationships with their bodies are? What do you imagine?

9:15And that's a good question. I know that I've had different occasions. Maybe my kids have voiced that they wish they, you know, they were bigger than they had hoped to be and that they would like to lose some weight at different times in their lives, or they're working on muscle and, you know, building muscle. And, um, I see, I never judge them. I just, I, I just see, I just see my kids and, and as long as they're healthy, I'm happy.

9:45Um, yeah, I, I think that some of them have had struggles like myself, probably now I, they didn't, uh, I, I'm just going to say this. I don't think they saw my struggles as they grew up because I hid, I hid in my anxiety that I had. I never, I didn't have scales in my house. I wasn't a get on my scales every five minutes kind of gal. I didn't, I didn't want my daughter to be witness to that and then possibly suffer like

10:16I did. Cause I've had eating disorder in my childhood with them once and actually an adult hug too. And so a lot of my stuff has been kind of like my little dark secret that I kept to myself, you know, until they were much older. And then I revealed, I guess. Um, is your mom still alive?

10:38She died last year. I'm sorry for your loss.

10:44Sorry.

10:46I'm struggling with that. I'm having a hard time with that. That was suddenly, and we hadn't spoken in four years before she passed. And so I, yeah, that's a difficult one for me.

10:59And I've eaten a lot since then. So I fed that emotion.

11:05Which is understandable.

Mother-Daughter Relationship

11:07How would you, how would you characterize your relationship with her? Me trying really hard to be her and to love me and want me in her life and her being in circumstances that didn't allow her to do that. I was put into a foster care system when I was a child for five years and our relationship, we both loved each other. I believe that. I want to believe that.

11:38I need to believe that. Um, but it wasn't, it wasn't healthy a lot of the time.

11:48So here's a couple of things. Yeah, that's a lot. You know, it's so often Maxine for women in particular. I've noticed this, a woman's relationship with her body will often track her relationship with her mother, will often be kind of a metaphorically connected to her relationship with her mother.

12:18So if the relationship with mother is, uh, whoa, it's Rocky. It's, um, you're there. You're not there. You want me. You don't want me. I want you to love me. I'm not sure if you love me, then it makes sense that that's going to be one's relationship with one's own self and one's own body, because you're not sure. I mean, think about it. Our mother, that's the person we come from.

12:49Um, okay. So we had nine months lodging in the womb and she gave birth to us and, you know, at a core level, we want to make sure I am loved and protected and nurtured and accepted and wanted by my mother. If we don't feel that way, then we don't have that sense of self. And it's easy for that to then get translated onto the body. Well, I'm not sure I want this body. I'm not sure this body's okay. I'm not sure this body is lovable.

13:19Hmm. Yep. I, I think that I felt really rejected by her because I couldn't please her enough for me to feel like she wanted me in her life. And it makes sense what you're saying. Um, I think there is correlation between that relationship, my own view of myself, you know, your mom is supposed to love you. Your mom is supposed to have you up on a pedestal and think you're, you know, they gave birth to you, like you say, and, and I didn't have that.

13:49I didn't have that. And, and to have her past suddenly with us not resolving, everything was hard. And I have been binging, like just not caring and eating. And I feel like I probably disappointed my children because I kind of didn't know how to handle. I didn't know how to navigate when she passed because so much was unresolved and I've had

14:23this unhealthy relationship with food. So it's like, well, when something's really upsetting, I will eat a lot. And it's, it's ridiculous because I don't even remember sometimes what I ate and how much I ate. And it's like, did I eat that? It's gone now. You know, it's like unconsciously just, I don't know. I don't, so I don't want to be like this. I don't want to continue this way. I, my mom is gone. There's nothing I can do to bring her back, but my heart has to believe that she did love me some in some way.

14:53You know, I have no doubt that she did. And here's a, here, here's, here's another lens through which to look at this. It's just all different ways to look at one's relationship with food and one's challenges with food and body. On a certain level, you're being your mama and your body is you.

15:18You're being your mama to your body, meaning body, not sure, not sure. I want you, not sure if I love you, I'm putting you over here in foster care. I'm not totally embracing you. I'm not totally wrapping myself around you. I'm kind of here. I'm kind of not here. I kind of love you. I kind of don't. We're not so sure.

15:47Yeah, that sounds, you know, I never thought about that, but I am treating myself as she treated me because that's what I had conditioned in me. That's what you learned. So what I want to suggest moving forward, we're always learning and growing. We're always learning and growing. It never stops. And part of what inspires us to learn and grow oftentimes is discomfort or pain. Um, or I'm have this food issue I don't want to have, or I have this weight concern.

16:20I don't want to have it. So wait a second. How do I resolve it? Oh, what's it connected to? So what I want to suggest is the work that I think would best suit you to help you get where you want to go. So you want to be able to just relax with food. You want to be able to not worry about all this nonsense and really what it is beyond that. Yes, you want to be able to relax with food, but you really want to be able to relax with

16:50your body and be able to say, body, you and I are good. Love you. When I asked you about your kids, one of the things you said is I just love them. I don't judge them. And that's an area in your life where you have happiness and a sense of success and a sense of connection. And the key is you just love them and you don't judge them. Yeah. A hundred percent. So your job from this moment forward, I'm going to suggest is to be a better mother to

17:30you than your mother was.

17:39Your mother did the best she could, given all her stuff, given whatever, who knows her story? Maybe you know her story. It was her. I do know. And she was in a position where she had to make a choice between somebody and myself. And it was unfair that she was put in that position as a mother. And I believe she did her best. I believe, I believe she tried, you know, I can't believe she didn't. So I believe she tried. And I, for me, it's the unresolved stuff, you know, now that she's not here.

18:13And for anybody listening, if you have issues with somebody and don't wait till they're gone to try and fix things, you know. Right. And I so agree. And the work never stops. And sometimes in an odd way, there's certain kinds of work with a parent that's more doable when they've passed, when they're gone. But regardless, regardless, here we are now.

18:46And I'm suggesting that given your mother's life and her circumstances, she did the best she could.

Self-Care

18:54So now you're taking over. See, what's challenging for you is that there's a part of us. So when I'm unresolved with a parent, with my mother, with my father, if I'm unresolved for whatever reason, then there's a part of me that still lives in their house. There's a part of me where I'm still their child, so to speak, and I'm still that person who's like, well, wait a second.

19:24Do you love me? Do you not love me? You put me over here. That means you don't love me. But I have to believe you do. But I'm uncertain. And in that uncertainty, of course, you're going to reach for food, for goodness sakes. You know, like that's what all humans do. That's what any child does. That's what every infant knows. Feel bad. Eat food. Feel better. So you don't have a food problem, okay? This is all creatures. Your bird, your dog, your cat. Feel bad. Eat food. Feel better.

19:55Every organism, they feel better when they eat food. Every human being, we feel better when we eat food. So you turning to food is your best way that you know how, that the child in you, the best way that the child in you knows how to feel good. Have some sugar. Have some anything. It doesn't matter almost what it is. That's exactly right. It doesn't matter what it is. I just feed it. Right. It's primal. It's primal because that's the hurt itself that's primal.

20:30The confusion of like, am I loved? Am I safe? Am I okay? So you did not, as a growing child, you did not get the message, I am loved and I am safe and I'm protected and I'm nurtured and I'm totally grounded. I'm, I'm, I'm good. I'm, I'm held. So you didn't get that. I didn't get any of that. No. So it makes perfect sense. So I'm just trying to explain why it would make perfect sense that your relationship with

21:01your body would be rocky, would be wobbly because your relationship with your own existence wasn't given a good start. You didn't feel safe. So we continue that theme. We continue that frequency. We continue that energy of, oh, even into adulthood, I'm not safe. This body is not safe. And in fact, I'm going to continue to prove what I learned from a young age.

21:36What I learned from a young age is I'm not okay. I'm not acceptable. I'm not certain that I'm loved. I've carried on exactly what she did. Yes. Because you don't approve of your body. You don't. And that's my internal dialogue with what you're saying is my internal dialogue. Exactly. No. So you've just taken that dialogue that you learned as a child. And now you've up leveled that same conversation as an adult. Because that's what we do. That's what we know to do until we go, huh, timeout.

22:10I don't like this. This doesn't work. I need to love my body. I need to have a better relationship with my body. Something's not right here. And then we start to excavate a little bit. And we dive a little bit deeper. So that's what you're doing. And you no longer live in your mother's house. So she's no longer your mother, even though she'll always be your mother. You're always going to be her daughter. So let's acknowledge that. She'll always be your mother. You'll always be her daughter. And you're Maxine.

22:43You're a woman. You're your own person. And part of the healing to heal your relationship with your body and with food is to, once again, be a good mother to yourself. You know exactly how to be a good mother because you told me you do. And you told me exactly what you need to do to be a good mother, which is you love your children and you don't judge them. And then you turn out great kids.

23:18Really good kids. I did good in the kids department. Yes. Yes. Because you love them and you didn't judge them. Absolutely. So this is the strategy that I would love to see you begin to employ with you, which means you have to start witnessing yourself.

Witnessing Yourself

23:37You have to start watching yourself when you go into the internal conversation called, this body's no good.

23:49Yeah. I think, you know, I've had like 58 years of probably internally, internal negative talk amongst myself, you know, because like you say, I had it. I didn't receive the love and the nurturing and the, I guess, positive affirmations from who I needed to in order to go. And I mean, I have moments of confidence, but it doesn't last long because I usually over, you know, somewhere inside me, I'll be like, oh, yeah, I look okay.

24:27But there's always a but and I need to get rid of the but. I need to stop with tearing myself down. And, you know, my daughter has brought that to my attention. She'll, she'll stop me mid sentence ago. What did you just say? And I'm like, what? And she'll be like, what did you just say? And I'm like, I don't even know. What did I just say? Or I'll remember and I'll be like, oh, gosh, yeah. Well, I was just being silly. And she's like, no, don't, don't play with those words. You're better than that. You're beautiful, mom. You're strong, mom. And she, gosh, you know, my kids have taught me a lot, but it's hard because I, I never saw it until you've brought it to my attention like this.

25:05This was a lifetime of almost conditioning for me. And now I have to go and, you know, there's a word for that. You know, when you go and you have to take it all and change, but there's a word for it. I can't think of what it is, but I, yes, I need to go and change that internal dialogue. You're going to change it. You're going to reimagine it. You're going to feng shui it. You're going to massage it. I'm going to feng shui it. Okay. Yeah. It's going to feng shui. You're going to make it all nice and better.

25:35Yes. I want to. I definitely, I 100, I feel like I've had enough, you know, and I don't want to have had enough so much that I give up. That's, you know, I think I've had moments of that since my mom passed. And I also had my senior dog pass away a few months ago. I had a lot and I feel like parts of me started to break down and just, it got harder to feel good. And, you know, I was introduced to your podcast, which I think everyone I've listened to, I went, oh, you know, I had a relatable moment.

26:09And being allowed this time with you is a gift and I'm so thankful because I just haven't known how to get from feeling so down and so defeated to feeling better. I just didn't know how to get there, you know, and I, but I didn't realize I was carrying that. Like, I didn't realize that my mom's, you know, interactions with me and what I didn't get from that relationship played such a huge role.

26:41Like, I didn't know that until these moments with you. It's huge and, and perfect timing, like really, really perfect timing. It's always the right timing. And as you start to watch yourself and your inner dialogue and witness it, the rule of thumb is don't say it to yourself if you wouldn't say it to your child. Oh, my goodness. Yes, that's huge because I definitely wouldn't talk to my kids if I wouldn't talk to myself.

27:13No, you wouldn't. I would not. I would not. So don't say it to yourself if you wouldn't say it to your child. That's your measuring stick, which means you're being the thing you know how to do, which is you know how to be a good mother. But you're taking that good mother energy and you're gifting it to yourself because you didn't get that. And you're of the age, you know, I, I like to make the distinction between the princess archetype and the queen archetype.

27:48You know, the princess archetype is the, is, is the archetype. It's the persona. It's the personality that a woman will be in at a younger age. So there's young princess, there's middle princess, there's late princess. By the time a woman hits 40, I like to say she's a queen in training. By the time she hits 50, she's of queen's age. Now, think of all, think of, take away like some of the pejorative things that we associate with the word princess.

28:22And if we're just looking at it as a pure archetype, the princess, when a, when a, when a female is young, the princess needs approval from the outside. It needs to know you love me. You approve of me. Look at me. I'm beautiful. Tell me I'm beautiful. So in order for confidence to build, in order for a healthy ego to form, the princess archetype needs to get from the outside. It needs outside confirmation.

28:56Look at my body. Look at how I move. Look at how I dance. Look at how pretty this is. Now, once we hit queen's age, we don't need outside approval. The queen, a good queen doesn't sit on her throne and say, do I look good in this? Is this okay? Do you all approve of my body? Like a good queen has command of herself. A good queen rules her queendom with love. She's benevolent. She's giving.

29:26She doesn't question who she is. Yeah, she might have a few wrinkles. Yeah, she might have a few gray hairs. But you know what? I earned it. She understands the circle of life. She understands that this is the phase that she's in. And her value is not given exclusively in her looks. But her value is in who she is. Her value is in her heart. Her value is in what she brings to the world. So you're in the queen stage of life and your task is to claim your queenhood, is to sit

30:05on your throne as a woman, not as the princess who, like, wait a second, do you all love me? Is this body good enough? I lost a few pounds. I should be looking better. I'm like, no, you're, we love you for who you are. Nobody in your life, I'm going to bet, nobody who cares about you need you to lose weight.

30:37Nobody's saying to you, Maxine, you know, I will love you more. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You are incredible. First of all, you are a very intelligent man. But you're absolutely right. I mean, my, my life is my kids and they have never once looked at mom and said anything other than kind things. And I never, I don't believe any of them have ever looked at me and looked at my weight. I don't think that it's me. This is all me.

31:08This is all me. And I've been beating myself up for a long time. Because that's, that's how you were taught. That's how you were conditioned. By the way, the world conditions us. And it especially conditions young people and especially young women to look a certain way. So you, you didn't invent this problem. You know, it's, it exists all over the planet right now. However, even though you didn't invent it, because it, it, it finds a home in us.

31:43These toxic beliefs, I need to look different in order to be lovable. I need to weigh different in order to approve of myself. That's a toxic belief. That's just not true. And that's what will bring you peace, is to begin to let go of that belief. So part of it, also, I want to suggest, is take a number of months for yourself and let go of dieting.

32:14I don't even know how to do that. That's interesting, because I, that's a hard one. Like everything, I scrutinize everything I put in my mouth. Like, I don't know, I don't even know what's okay and what's not okay. So use your intuition, because you're right. You don't know. But you have an idea. You have some idea of what's tasty to you. You have some idea of what's healthy for you. You have some notions of foods that you shouldn't be eating all the time at every meal.

32:51So it's learning to be an eater for the first time. Like you've been, you've been trying to teach yourself in a weird way how not to eat. Yes, exactly, exactly. And your pets, they're not walking around thinking, oh my God, should I eat this? Should I eat that? What does she think of me? I ate too much of this. They don't care. No.

Natural Eating

33:20There's a naturalness to them. You have that naturalness inside you. It's just, it needs to have a little bit of air. It needs to have some practice. She needs to be let out a bit and just let go of, and I know this is easier said than done, but you know. It's hard. Like, it's how do you, how do you trust yourself then? Like, because see, I'm listening to you and I'm already thinking about my dinner now. And I'm thinking, well, what if I take that mindset and I eat too much and then I start gaining weight?

33:52Like, I don't know how to get out of that brain. Yeah. So, how, you asked the question, how do you trust yourself? Yes. Okay.

34:07I think you trust yourself by knowing that even if you make a mistake, you don't beat yourself up. How do you trust yourself being a parent? How did you trust yourself raising kids? What did you do? You did the best you could. I did the opposite of what I saw.

34:32I did. I did the exact opposite of what I went through. I made sure that my kids never went to bed without being told they were loved. I made sure that every time they spoke, I heard them. They had a voice.

34:47So, they felt love and they felt they developed a sense of trust because you affirmed to them that I'm here. I've got you. I love you. So, this is how you trust yourself. You affirm, you know something? Man, you're 58 years old. You've eaten a lot of meals in your life. And here you are. You're okay. You never did like, oh my God, I ate this one meal and it ruined me for the rest of my life.

35:20It screwed up everything, you know? My hair fell out. I lost all my money. Oh my goodness. No, yeah, that hasn't happened. Thank goodness, no. So, there's nothing terrible that's going to happen. You've eaten before and you've eaten too much. You've eaten before and you eat not enough. Yes. So, the difference is you're trusting that, you know, I got you. You have yourself.

35:50You're standing by you and you don't quite know how to do this. It's a little scary, but because you love you and you're not going to abandon you and you're not going to start judging yourself if you ate too much, then you're safe to make a mistake. It sounds rational and it sounds correct as I listen to you. I just, I think it's something that I am going to have to be repetitive with myself and maybe even like do some writing on a poster of positive affirmations and put it by the fridge, maybe.

36:33You know, it's just like, you know, I am okay and it's okay. Just enjoy your food. Like, I think, I feel like you said in a podcast, maybe I'm going to say this wrong, so I apologize, but something about natural eating, like just, you know, where you just, I think you were saying something about like just, just naturally eat, like just enjoy and just, you know, and I listened to that and I thought, gosh, how do you do that? Like, how do you just, but I'm listening to you now and I think I have to take all the words, the self-talk away from a meal and just be present in my moment and eat my food.

37:10Yes. And it's a practice. It's, it's, you'll be scared. You'll be confused because you haven't done this before. This is the first time perhaps that you are looking at food since maybe very early childhood, since before you could remember there was a point at which you just ate and you weren't worried about your weight. And you weren't worried about your body and you weren't worried about somebody calling you fat and you weren't judging yourself. You just, you ate and it was okay. And food was wonderful.

37:43And I have no memory of that. It's sad. I have, like, I have absolutely no memory. I have memories of not wanting to eat in front of people, you know, just not wanting them to see me. So you're learning to reclaim your naturalness. So it's a learning process. So it's, it takes time. Um, and it takes practice and it just takes a willingness for you to fumble around a little bit. And there will be moments where, and there will be moments where, wow, this feels really good. Because when you eat dinner tonight, there's nobody in this universe who's judging you.

38:25There's nobody in this universe who's sitting and thinking, I don't love her or like her because she ate this or didn't eat that. There's nobody in this universe. There's nobody judging your body. Nobody. Just you. Oh yeah. It's always, it's been me for a long time. I just didn't know how to, it's a pattern of repetitive habit because of what I was exposed to. And I just didn't know how to break it. Yeah. So remember that you're invoking the mother in you, whenever you're not sure what to do, imagine you're being the amazing mother that you are to one of your children.

39:09Imagine that the amazing mother that you are who loves her children and doesn't judge her children and encourages them and make sure that your children know you are loved. You are safe with me. So whenever you're not sure what to do, that's the personality, the archetype that I want you to jump into. Maxine, the good mother. Maxine, the amazing mother. And you mother yourself.

Claiming Queenhood

39:39I can do that. I can do that. I think it'll take some time because it's, there's a lot of, there's like a footprint of habit here. That's why I am in this position, but I, I can do that. I can do that. You really can. And, you know, in, in a strange way, this is, this is a great gift you can give to your actual mother, which is for you to step into your womanhood.

40:11Because when we don't step out of our mother's house, then we're still, a part of us still remains a child.

40:27And you're just saying to her, you're saying to life, you're saying to yourself, I'm claiming the woman that I am. And I'm, yeah, yeah, I'm claiming my queenhood, where I can sit on my throne and I'm good enough as who I am. And I'm letting go of the child. Yes. I'm letting go of the child, the girl in me that needs approval, because I weigh this or I don't weigh that.

40:59So it's learning how to start also looking in the mirror and throwing some love your way.

41:16That's hard. But I'm, you know what? I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for my kids. I want my kids to see a happy mom. I want them to see, I want them to see that change because I know that it's affected them. And I, I don't know. I, I've known some of this, like a little bit of it I've known, like that I've carried this child version of me everywhere I've gone, hoping for some kind of, you know, love and acceptance and, you know, things I was never going to get. I mean, and when my mom died, I needed to let go of the fantasy of what I had always wanted her to be, that she was not able to be.

41:55Yes. But, you know, her looking from the other side, I believe in my heart that she would want me to be the best version of myself. And maybe she couldn't help me be that, but maybe, you know, I mean, there's everything in this world happens for a reason. And you sitting here, you know, sharing this with me is happening for a huge reason. And I got lots of homework. I do. And you know what? I'm excited for it because it's just been exhausting to carry this my whole life.

42:27And it's a lot. It's heavy. It's been a wait. And I want to let the wait go. When I, when we finish talking today, I'm going to have a good cry, by the way, and get that out of the way. Good for you. And I'm going to just let go, let go. It's too exhausting to keep carrying it. It so is. You're so right on. It's a burden. And, and it's weighty. Like, that's the real weight. That's the heaviness. That is the weight. That is. And it's like, I wanted so much to have her love.

43:03And I just, when she passed, it's just like, it was like, all these years of trying and trying and trying. It was like, then she was gone. And I felt lost without her, even though she wasn't in my life for four years. I didn't, I felt lost. And, and I, and enough already. I, I just, I, I'm here. I am here and I need to get my, you know what together and step it up and be kind to me now. Yes. And we're understanding that that child in you, that still lives on, you know, you and I are always going to have the kid in us and that kid in us, the child in us.

43:41It's a beautiful part. It's the part of us that's innocent. It's the part of us that's sweet. It's the part of us that just like loves, and it's the part of us that's exuberant and that's happy and that's very childlike. So it's a beautiful part of us. And when it, when the child still has a boo-boo, when it's still hurting, it's also, it can, it can take over and it can sit at the head of the table and it can run a lot of the show. So when it comes to food and body for you, that child tends to have the, have the loudest voice.

44:21It takes control. It takes control and it's running the show and it runs its bleach. Like I'm not lovable as I am. This is not good enough. I still need my mother's love, even though I'm 30 or 40 or 50 or 60. And, and so now it's time to go, oh, okay, that child is still a child and she doesn't have children or children are very brilliant observers, but they're not good interpreters.

44:54So as a child, you observe, like, wait a second, I'm not feeling the love I need. But then we interpret that as, oh, that means I'm unlovable. Or that means there's something wrong with me. So we're letting go of, you're letting go of interpretations that the child's mind made, that you brought into adulthood, that we all do this.

45:21You don't have to look any different to be lovable to the people that love you.

45:28It's been a lifelong struggle. Yeah. Yeah. Long road. And I'm going to tell you, when it comes to men, you know, it's, it's, men don't care.

45:46Like if a man is interested in you, if a man loves you, he loves you. And if he doesn't, he doesn't. Men are not going to be looking at women's bodies the same way women look at their own bodies. I've noticed this a thousand times. Oftentimes, women could be way more critical about their own body. And come to the conclusion, if this body doesn't shift, I'm not lovable.

46:15Yeah, I, I, because I am single, I've been single a while. And, uh, um, I think that I, I don't know, I've had some unhealthy relationships and they were usually abusive. Like a few of them have been really rough. And I think that it was because of what I equated with love because of what I saw as a child. And so I realized, I since sought some help on breaking that cycle.

46:47And, uh, but it's interesting because as somebody 58 that, you know, would like to have someone in her life, I have wondered if a man would look at me and, and, you know, be like, geez, you know, we're not what I'm looking for physically, you know, or whatever. And like, you know, it seems, I don't know, are they all looking for, you know, a hundred pound women? I don't know. So it's interesting you say that. I think it's important, you know, anytime you go out and about look at humans, look at

47:20men and women who are in relationship, look at couples, you will see people of all sizes and all shapes hanging out together. It's, it's this, it's this, um, strange imprint that we have in our mind that, you know, we have to look a certain way in order to have love and like, yeah. There's going to be certain people you look at and you're not that attracted to them and vice versa, but you don't need a million men to be attracted to you. You just need one, one, one good one, one good one.

47:53That's all. Yeah. And, uh, when the time is right, you'll find me, I'll find him. Yeah. But this is where you start. You start by reparenting yourself, remothering yourself, being a good mother to you, invoking that good mother. You know how to be a good mother, loving, nonjudgmental. And you show that with your words and you show that with your energy and your actions.

48:23So that's, that's what you're going to practice doing with yourself.

48:28And I'm excited. Actually, I'm excited to let a lot of stuff go. I feel like in this conversation, actually, I feel like I've had some weight lifted. Yay. I feel like, uh, sorry, but no, I feel like, uh, I've been given permission to let it go. And I have never had that. Like, I feel like I've just carried and carried and carried like this weight of not being enough. And it's nice to know that I can be enough just the way I am.

49:00Yes, yes, you are enough just the way you are.

49:06That's your new mantra. That's my new mantra. Get it on the shirt.

49:12Oh, my goodness. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Maxine. And what a great conversation. It's been some great turf here. It's been some good stuff. Yes. And I think stuff I needed to hear that I hadn't heard before. I'm so glad. I'm so glad we got to do this. I'm grateful. I appreciate just your openness and your willingness. And God bless. I think it's going to be a great journey for you from here on in. Thank you so much. Thank you for your time.

49:42Thank you. Thanks, Maxine. And thanks, everybody, for tuning in. Hey, friends. We're so happy that you've joined us for another episode of the Psychology of Eating podcast with Mark David. Are you loving these episodes? Then simply subscribe and you'll never miss an episode again. We'd also love it if you'd leave us a review so we can hear more about your own journey with food and body. And if you're curious about what we offer at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating,

50:16including our internationally acclaimed coach certification training that's rooted in dynamic eating psychology and mind-body nutrition, please head on over to our website, psychologyofeating.com. Until next time, take care. And remember, having the body you want starts with loving the body you have.