Healing a Negative Body Image by Embracing Your "Enoughness" – In Session with Marc David

0:01Welcome to the Psychology of Eating podcast, where food and body challenges are the doorway into a happier, healthier life. Now, here's your host, eating psychology expert and founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, Mark David.

0:25Welcome everybody. I'm Mark David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We're in the Psychology of Eating podcast. I'm with Sharon today. Welcome, Sharon. Hello, Mark. Glad you're here. Glad we're doing this. For anybody out there that's new to the podcast, Sharon and I are meeting for the first time. And the idea is we're going to have a client session and hopefully do some good work. So, Sharon, if you could wave your magic wand and you can get whatever you wanted with food and body, what would that be for you?

0:57So, in the world of magic, if I was able to do that, I would obviously love to eat whatever I want and anytime I want and not gain a single pound. Yes. Yeah. That would be like my ideal, you know, magic. Just eat whatever I want, heart's content and not gain, you know, a pound and not worry about my image. But I think the realistic answer, if I could wave my magic wand right now, I just want to look slim and slender.

1:28And like the, I guess the, the thin ideal look. How old are you now? I'm 32. And when did you first have the thought in your mind? I want to look a certain way, slim and slender. Back when I was a kid, like probably when I was like five years old, I was, you know, I have an older sibling and between the two of us, like I was always the chubbier one.

1:59Um, I know my mom, you know, growing up, she would always say like, oh, Hey, like you're, you're chubby and like, you know, you gotta lose weight and you gotta watch your figure and watch what you eat. So that's kind of always been in my head growing up. Um, me and my sister, my mom, we would, and even my dad, we would always watch like, um, pageants and stuff too. Like, you know, the Miss World, Miss Universe, um, Miss USA, Miss Chinese pageants. Um, so that's just, you know, a big part of growing up was just watching beauty pageants

2:32as well. So, isn't it amazing how back into childhood, that's when it all starts where here's what I want to look like and here's what it has to be. So when did you first start to, um, I don't know, manipulate your diet or try to change the food on your plate so you could weigh less? Well, actually never, um, it's just more so growing up, um, I guess there was a strong

3:04importance of, you know, looking thin and especially in, um, you know, the views of Chinese perception of what beauty is. Um, so growing up, you know, again, it's when I was like five years old, I was able to wear my sister's clothes that she fit when she was nine. And so comments like that were made within the household. My mom would just say like, oh, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're bigger, you know, or like, but it's weird because when you were born, when you came out of my belly, she's like, you were lighter, you know, like she's like, you were six pounds and, you know,

3:38this many ounces where your sister weighed more when you guys were born. But how, how are you like the, the, the chubbier one or something like that. Right. So like, so comments like that. And, you know, my dad would sometimes say, oh, like, you know, when you were born, you always had like a spider belly. So like my belly is always a little bit rounder and stuff like that. Or my mom would always say like, oh, I had dreams about you that you became overweight when you were like in my dream, you became overweight. So it just like stuff like that. And, you know, I never, or my sister never received as much of like the overweight or

4:10like the, the, oh, I'm worried that you're going to get fat type of stuff. Whereas I did, cause I was the chubbier one out of the two of us. So, so how much weight do you want to lose? Um, I would like to lose about 20 pounds. So what would that put you at? How much would you be weighing? Um, uh, well, 110. 115, 120. That's probably where ideally I would like to be between that range.

4:41When was the last time you were at that weight? So the last time I was at 120 was probably 10, 11 years ago. That was, um, before I started my, my big girl job. I always keep doing the air quotes, but yeah. Okay. So before you started your big girl job, you, you had the body you wanted to have. Yes. But that's the funny thing is because when I had, and when I was at that weight, I always wanted to be lighter. So when I was 120, I was like, oh, I want to be, I wish I was back at 110.

5:11Right. So now I'm, I'm at like 135, 140 ish. I fluctuate like, and I'm like, oh, I, now I want to be back at like 120 where I was before I started like working in, in the workforce. Yeah. So have you been actively trying to lose weight in this last number of years? In the last, I guess since 2020, like since COVID I had gained, um, a bit. Um, and then I think, you know, year after like when 2021, that's really when I started

5:43to feel like, um, I really want to start losing weight just in, I was just in this head space where I was like, ah, I just don't know what to do. I need to lose weight. I don't look good. I don't feel good. I don't look, you know, how I want to look. And, you know, my partner, my fiance, he's super supportive of being, he was the one who actually encouraged me to, he's like, you know what? I'm going to sign you up for gym. Let's do it together. Like he was always big into fitness. Um, but he was the one who really supported me and actually got me going and to feel comfortable going to the gym. Um, so yeah, he was a big part of that.

6:15And then, so I started going to the gym, um, yeah, in 2021 and really, you know, he set me up with a workout plan and showed me how to do all the, you know, the, the workouts and stuff like that. So, you know, I felt supported that way and it was making good parts. Progress, but I feel like I haven't progressed enough and I don't know if it's just me being hard on myself. Um, and I also love food and that's the thing, like growing up in, you know, a Chinese household and just Asian culture, like we just love food, right?

6:47Like I love, um, my dad was also a chef. So, um, we would have good food all the time. Um, and the irony in it is when I think about it is like, oh, you know, had a dad who worked as a chef and he would prepare all these like delicious meals and then we would eat it, um, and, you know, and enjoy it. And, but then I still get the comments of, oh, don't eat too much. But then, you know, at dinner, they're like, oh, eat more. So there's like the ironic messaging of like, oh, you're always, um, talking about my weight,

7:21but then you're telling me to eat more. But I also know that in Chinese culture or in Asian culture, that's their way of showing love. Um, because they don't really say like, I love you. And when they show that they love you, they show it by giving you food. So that's kind of like, I guess I'm not fighting like, I was like, okay, well, I, I want to watch what I'm eating, but then I also don't because I also love the food and because you're encouraging me to eat, but then you don't want me to be like overweight. So, so there's a lot of different messages in there.

7:56Yes. Try to parse out and to put in their proper place. And they're a little bit conflicting. Yes. So how, I usually don't ask this question, but how much do you want to lose weight? Like in your mind, I, this would be nice, but I really don't know if I want to do this or I've got to do this and I know I'm going to do this.

8:28And it's just a question of time and figuring it all out. Like, what do you, what do you tell yourself about your own motivation?

8:38That's the thing that I've tried to figure out as well of like, because I've looked at all the goals that I've achieved in my life, like where it's like, oh, whether I wanted to buy a house or buy a car, like I've achieved all those things. And with my body, I'm like, oh, I want to lose 20 pounds and I want to be at like one 20 or, you know, one 10 or one 15. That's like, I've asked myself, like, how much do I want this? And I guess like when I think about it, I'm like, I guess I really don't want it that much

9:08if I'm not actually like, if I haven't reached that goal yet. Right. So I wonder, you know, like, but I wonder, like, why can't I approach that goal the same way that I've approached my other goals?

9:25Because I'm like, I would cheat every goal that I put out, you know, like, again, getting a house, getting a car, getting a job, you know. Um, but I haven't achieved that goal of my body image and I don't know why that is. And I'm like, oh, maybe I'm not pushing myself harder. Right. Like I'll go to the gym if it fits in my schedule. Right. But like, so I go to gym now, like during my lunch hours, because it's during my lunch hours and I can work it into my work schedule. But I find what's really hard for me is like when I leave work, like say if I don't, if

9:56I wasn't able to go to the gym that day. Um, and I, if I go home and I'm home, it's hard for me to get myself to leave home, to go to the gym, like once I'm home. But if I can fit it in somewhere during the work day, then I can go and do it religiously. Um, so I guess like I've had asked myself that question before, whereas like, why can't I, like, I, I feel like I'm slowly making progress. Um, but I'm not making the progress as fast as I would like to see the results, I guess.

10:27Sure. Um, but yeah, I'm not quite sure. Well, I'm going to circle back to that because I think it's a, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a juicy topic to explore for you. I just want to learn a few more details first. So what do you tell yourself in your mind when it comes to getting to the weight where you want to be? What do you say to yourself? Here's what's going to help me lose weight. I think I'm going to lose weight.

10:57When I do the following, I go to the gym and what else do you tell yourself? Um, if I follow a diet plan, I think that would definitely help. Like I've tried, you know, for three months and I did see the results, um, you know, I'm like, Oh, I see the weight going down. So I know that I think if I actually just follow a diet plan, but I think for me, it's like, I never, because I love food, really. I want to be able to, um, you know, go to a restaurant and order whatever I want, you

11:28know, have a couple of drinks with friends and, you know, have, you know, go to the restaurant with friends. And that's just such a big part of like, you know, social life, right. And, you know, gatherings, family gatherings, again, it's like, Oh, you know, Easter weekend, you know, I would, my dad's like, Hey, you want to come over for Easter weekend? You know, I'm like, of course you're, you're going to be cooking, you know? So it's like, um, and it's not like I eat like junk food or anything. Like, I feel like I relatively, like, I enjoy my food. I don't limit myself to anything, but I think what would help me reach my goal faster is

12:01if I did follow a diet plan. Um, yeah. And I, and I do love like, you know, my tea lattes and stuff like that. And, you know, a slurpee here and there, um, like my, my sugary drinks, but I don't, again, I don't have it too much, but I really enjoy lattes. Yes. So do you feel pressure from your partner to lose weight? Not at all. No. What if you said to him, just theoretically, honey, I decided I'm just going to stay at this weight. How do you think he would react? He would support me in whatever I wanted to do.

12:34Like, he's like, Hey, that's why, you know, when I said, Oh God, I I'm feeling like during COVID or, you know, I was like, I'm feeling so bad. And I had like a, a little breakdown in the kitchen and he's like, you know what? And he said, we're going to do this together. He's like, I'll, you know, I'll, I'll be with you throughout the whole entire way. So he would, he, he would support me in whatever I choose to do. Oh, that's so sweet. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I love you want in your life. Yes, totally. Congratulations on having that. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

13:04Thank you. So you're doing something right here. So I want to circle back to the, to the question that you pose, which is, okay, I I'm, I'm a, I'm a goal oriented person and I've reached these other goals. Why can't I reach this goal? And first of all, I want to say one answer to that question is that the goal called losing weight is very different from the goal called, I want to buy a car.

13:37Or I want to get a certain kind of job, or I want to, you know, own a home. It's those kinds of goals. They're a lot more linear in how one goes about them. There can often be less emotionality in those kinds of goals, owning a car, owning a house, finding the right job. When it comes to losing weight, as we've already started talking about, there's a lot going

14:08on there because we start with a history. You've started with a history from a young age of being shown, you know, here's the ideal body. And there's a message that we get somewhere inside that really lands that that's the ideal. And if I have that ideal, then I've hit the ideal. But if I don't have that, then I'm essentially a little bit less than I'm not good enough.

14:38And so there's so we're always behind, we're always trying to catch up in the weight department, I either looks department, I either my body is acceptable or not department. And it's much more, that's a goal that is, just has more complexity to it, that has more built into it. There's more trap doors in there. There's more places to kind of hit a speed bump or fall into a hole.

15:12I love food. I want to enjoy myself. My dad's a chef, I learned appreciation for food. Plus, in my family, in my culture, this is a way that we show love is by we feed each other. So essentially to refuse food or to not eat is basically saying no to love. Yes. Yeah. So, so those are some interesting mixed messages that are hard to resolve. So the fact that you haven't been able to hit this goal on top of that.

15:45I hear that, you know, there's certain things that are important to you. Like, let's say there's a certain kind of flow that works for you. You described, hey, if I can go work out during my work day, that works for me, works in my flow. But if I go home first, essentially what I heard is when I'm home, I don't want to leave the house and go back to the gym. I'm a hermit. I'm home. I'm a hermit once I'm at home.

16:15I'm like, I don't want to leave my safe space. Yeah. So there's a place where your flow is important to you and you finished your work day and you want to be in hermit mode. You know, chances are in your work day, if you're a hermit and you have to be an extrovert at work or you have to be interacting with people, you're going to want to have your, your, your woman cave when you get home. Like, this is my space. So that's valuable to you.

16:47So all I'm, I'm, I'm just showing reasons why, when you say, why haven't I reached this goal? Because it's a far more complex goal with far many more factors. And all I'm, and I'm saying this because I wish for you to not think of yourself in any way, like I'm failing here or there's something wrong with me that I can't reach this goal. Um, this is a goal that a ton of people on planet earth are trying to get to, um, and is extremely

17:22difficult. You know, it's, it's some of the most, um, well-kept secret statistics in the weight loss universe. Over 98% of all humans who lose weight on a weight loss diet, gain it back within a year. And many of those people gain more weight back within a year. So it's, it's very difficult to lose weight on a weight loss diet. If, if it was easy, you and I wouldn't even be, we wouldn't be talking about this. So what I'm interested for you is for you to really see at the very least, some of the

18:00nuances that are at work here. And especially some of the nuances that make you uniquely you that make Sharon unique. Um, you've been very clear to me that you love food and here's the challenge for a lot of human beings. When we want to lose weight, we all have it wired into our brain that, well, how did the weight get there? It got there because I food and maybe secondarily I didn't exercise enough, but the bottom line

18:38is we associate weight and food. So I have the weight because food put it there. So on a certain level, food is kind of the enemy because food becomes fat on my body. It's sort of fat. That's the enemy. This is the fat I want off my body. So in order to get the fat off, I have to limit the food. So all of a sudden we're in a little bit of a contentious relationship with food because I have to resist and push away this thing that I happen to love and that symbolizes love.

19:15But then on the other hand, in order for me to be loved, I was told I have to have a certain kind of body. And in order to be loved and adored and valued, I have to have a certain ideal.

19:29So I don't really know how much of you wanting to be in a certain body, lose a certain amount of weight. I don't actually know how much of that is you, Sharon, and how much of that is your conditioning. How the world has told you to think. Now, I'm going to bet that there's definitely a part of you, if you could wave your magic wand, sure, I'd have the exact body that I want. And there it is because that's your preference.

20:02You prefer to have a certain weight. You prefer to have a certain job. You prefer to have a certain kind of partner. You prefer to eat certain foods. We all have our preferences. It makes us interesting people. So you prefer to be at a certain weight.

20:16And at the same time, there's this voice that's going on that is equating your value. As a person, as a human, as a daughter, as a woman in the world, there's a certain voice that's equating your value with you got to have this kind of body. Because then when you have this kind of body, good girl, good woman, good Asian princess,

20:47you did it the right way. And we now love and accept you and approve of you.

20:54That's a lot of pressure. So it doesn't surprise me that you're going to hit some speed bumps because there's a lot of pressure.

21:07And when we feel a lot of pressure, we want to relieve that pressure. When we feel stress, we wish to relieve that stress. Quite frankly, one of the ways we relieve stress is through food. Yeah. Because you know, food's going to make you feel good. So if anything, you don't want to limit your food when you're feeling pressure and stress. You wish to enjoy it so you can feel some joy. So I'm just laying out the conundrum for you as I see it.

21:41Does that sound at all accurate for you? I think, yeah, I think I do resonate with what you said, especially, I guess, to the part of like the goals, right? Like I couldn't figure out where I was like, oh, well, I had this goal in mind and this goal in mind and I've achieved all those ones. But why can't I achieve this one? And I never thought about how it wasn't linear as those other ones, right? And whereas there's so many factors of like that you mentioned where it's like, oh, I love food. I like to enjoy myself.

22:11I don't, I never limit myself, right? And like all the other, you know, speed bumps along the way. I think, yeah, so that, so that did resonate with me. I think another thing too is the feeling that I'm not good enough because I haven't reached that goal yet.

22:34That really, really hit me. So, um, cause I, I know, um, when I go to the gym now and I do my lifts and everything that I feel, I do feel confident at the gym, but like I said, I feel like, um, that I, um, I guess I never realized that I still don't feel like I'm good enough because I haven't reached it. So I think that was something, um, that really hit me when you said that. So, yeah. Yeah. Thanks for being so honest.

23:05And that's, that hurts when we walk around as a human being thinking I'm not good enough, especially when it comes to something about who we are, my, my looks, my weight, my height, my skin, my anything. Like, this is me. It's like, this is you. Like right now, this is you. And sure. You would like you to look a little bit different.

23:39Theoretically, theoretically, it's possible to say, you know, something. This is me. This is Sharon. I'm good enough. I wish to have a bigger house. I wish to have three cars. I wish to have a different body. I wish it to weigh 15, 20 pounds less. You can say that, but still feel good enough right now. And you're not operating from like, woe is me. And how can I be, I'm not acceptable.

24:12No, you can move towards those goals. With the understanding that, you know, already got one car at least, or one house. And so far, so good. If we're going towards a goal. And in the background is, I'm not good enough.

24:34In my experience, it's harder to get that goal. It's just harder. Because there's a lot of pressure.

24:46Like, if I don't hit this goal, then, whoa, I'm going to be in an eternity of not good enough. And it's the kind of not good enough. Chances are, when you were five or six years old, you weren't thinking, you know, when I grow up, I want to have a car. Or I want to have a house. You weren't thinking. You were thinking, when I grow up, I want to look like that or that. So, this is a conditioning or it's a story that we carry from childhood.

25:21And it's the child in us. It's the child in you that, on a certain level, I believe, is wanting love and approval. Because that's what we want as children. As a child, I want to know mommy and daddy approve of me. They love me. Because if they love me and they approve of me, I'm safe. I'm good. They don't love me. And if they don't approve of me, then, whoa, what's going to happen? Are they going to abandon me? Are they going to leave me? So, children are hungry to know that they are safe.

25:57And that safety comes through the knowing, the bodily knowing, I am loved. And I am loved for who I am, unconditionally.

26:08So, you have a conditional message in there. You've been delivered. The conditional message, it wasn't so on the surface, but it was still there. The conditional message called, God, we love you even more.

26:27If you just look like this, you would be even more lovable. Yeah. And I don't think my parents or my mom... Like, meant to say that. Like, or mean that. Like, that we'd love you more if you were like this. Like, I think they love us no matter what. But I don't think that they realize that what they say affects.

26:54Right? Like, us affects me so much. Like, even for an example, I remember one moment where, you know, I haven't seen my parents for a while. Then I would, you know, I would see them and go visit. And then the first thing that my mom would say would be like, oh, you've gained weight. I'm like, thanks. Or, you know, something like that. I'm like, you haven't seen me in like a couple months or a couple weeks. And then that's the first thing that you say to your daughter. You know, that type of thing. Like, so I did have, you know, a moment there that I, like, once I left my parents, I was

27:26like crying, like, to my fiance and saying, like, that's the first thing my mom said to me when she didn't see me in like, you know, a couple months or whatever. Like, and that didn't really hit me, but I don't think, like, I understand that they don't, like, I think it's also part of like the Chinese culture. Like they're, they, they just say that stuff to try to get you to, to motivate you to lose weight or, you know, whatever. Right. Or to at least put it on your radar that you've gained weight so that you could do something

27:57about it. Yes. Yeah. So I think this is a really important distinction that you're highlighting, which is, no, my parents aren't doing this to say, we don't love you, but the child in us, the child in you will interpret it as, wait a second, I'm going to cry because that hurts because it, it, it hits that place where I don't feel lovable. And it's that childlike place in you.

28:27It's not adult Sharon, it's five-year-old Sharon that's crying. So it's almost like we get transported back in time to a childhood moment, because once again, we want our parents to love us and to the child's mind. Yeah. Those comments are interpreted by the child's mind as, Ooh, this means I'm not lovable. Now your adult mind is very clear. Like I know my parents love me and they're kind of doing this because they think it's

29:01going to motivate me somehow, but the net result is how it lands for you is it doesn't feel so good. Yeah. Which reminds you that there's this part of you that's going towards this goal. That's a sensitive little girl. That's five-year-old Sharon trying to have the ideal body. That makes sense. Cause yeah, like, I guess like in my head, I'm like, I know that that's, I know that

29:33they love me, right? Like in my head, I'm like, I know that. And the way that they show up again is by putting it on your radar or bringing it up to your attention to say, Hey, just letting you know, right? Like that I'm, I'm making this comment and saying this is because I want it on your radar so that you can, you know, be more mindful when you eat or like, you know, um, be more mindful about the food items that you choose to eat, right. And that type of stuff. Um, but yeah, like, and I know that I know that, but I guess the feeling of like, like you mentioned, I guess it's a little girl.

30:04I mean, saying like, you know, why are you saying all this to me? I want to do what I want. And like, you know, and it hurts too. Right. So, but just like, I was wondering in my head, I'm like, well, why I know that's not the place that they're coming from, but I, why am I still so affected by it? But yeah, so I think, yeah, that's a big part of it is the child me to say, you know? Yeah. So instead of why am I still so affected by it, try on that. I am still affected by this.

30:37I just am, I am, I'm, I'm a human being. And there's a part of me that is a, is a smart, clear adult who has her act together. And there's a part of me, that's a little girl that certain things touch me off. And that's one of them. Um, so it's, it's very sweet. It's very innocent. Um, it's the part of us that is just vulnerable and wants to be loved. And again, the child's mind is interpreting that as I'm not loved.

31:11I'm not lovable. And this has to change. So again, I'm, I'm, I'm hanging out here with you just to highlight what I see is the, are some of the nuances of your journey and why it's been hard for you to stay on this path and stick to a diet and say, okay, well, no, I'm going home and then I'm going to go to the gym because there's a part of you that actually, and it's fine.

31:47There's a part of you that doesn't want to do all this. There's a part of you that doesn't want to have to diet. There's a part of you that doesn't want to have to go to the gym all the time. That's fine. You know, and, and doesn't want to have to go through all this hassle. Like, just like, let's just be me and let's just enjoy my food. And yeah, I don't want to gain any more weight for sure, but I just want to be me and I don't want to have to do all these things and myself and I want to come home and I want to be in

32:19my relaxed environment. So all I'm saying is there's this other voice in you that's saying something very different and all these voices are very valid. So it's, it's just understanding our own psychology. It's, we're not just one person inside, like, yeah, you're you, I'm me. But there's kind of a crowd inside of our head and there's the part of you that's a daughter. There's a part of you that's a partner to your man.

32:51There's a part of you that is a professional. So these are all different voices. There's a part of you that's somebody's best friend, you know, maybe someday you're going to be a mother. So, so we have different voices. We have the child in us. We might have, I don't know, the scientists in us, the nerd, the hero. There's so many different voices and sometimes those voices are at odds with each other. So I think this is one of those cases where, ah, there's one voice in you saying one thing

33:23and there's another voice in you saying another thing. And the net result is you, you're not moving as fast as you would like to. Um, yes, I'm still working towards it. So like, you know, like I'm seeing the changes in my body, right? So I know I'm getting there, but just at a slower pace, right? And I guess I, sometimes I am hard on myself where I'm like, oh, I'm, you know, I guess I just make that the part where I mentioned where I like it to work seamlessly into my schedule, like the flow. So I'm like, I just have to get it out of my head.

33:55Like, Hey, if I come home, I do actually have to force myself or at least, you know, take the first step of going to the gym, actually, when I, it's just a matter of starting. And I guess the motivation to actually start, you know, going to the gym after I get home, right? Like, I, I don't know, like, I know that I just have to go and do it. And then once I start it, it'll become part of my routine, right? Yeah, it's, and I feel, I guess I get so hard on, on myself because I haven't actually gone

34:31and done that yet, even though again, in my head, I'm like, I should do this. I know if I was to reach the school, I do have to, you know, actually, instead of going to hermit mode when I get home, get out, you know, as soon as you get home, like get all your things and then go, right? So, so I think those choices will be easier for you to make as you start to notice the part of you that is wanting to lose weight for approval from others, notice the part

35:06of you, that's the little girl that wants to be approved of and doesn't yet feel good enough. And in, in, in, in my ideal world for you, you reach a place where as best as humanly possible, you know, I'm good with myself. I'm sharing and this body's okay. If I had to live in this body for the rest of my life, I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it. And I'm going to make this work and I'm going to love it.

35:36And I'm going to be good enough. And you know something, I have a preference and I would like to shapeshift my body and okay. So in order to shapeshift my body, there's certain things I need to focus on. So it's looking to come from a place more of inspiration as opposed to being pushed or motivated by, I'm not good enough. Because when I'm trying to make decisions and choices based on, I'm not good enough, it can be a little

36:14harder for us.

36:17If I'm making choices from a place of, you know, I'm good with me. I'm good with this body and my partner loves me. My parents love me. I have no, I have nothing to prove to anybody. I guess what I want is to prove to myself that I can do it too though. Right. Like, but you know, it's like, Oh, I want to be one back to one 20, right. That I used to be. And I guess to prove myself that I can get there again and then eventually, you know, go to one

36:5015 and one 10 and then when I'm there, I'm like, Oh, maybe I want to do like a bodybuilding competition or something like that, that I thought had crossed my mind before where it's like, Oh, if I reach that, I'm like, it's just more so I guess proving to myself that I can do it or like, yeah, I know, I guess another goal that I'm kind of like planning, but like the goal that I want to go for, it's taking me like longer to get to, but I'll get there eventually if I just keep up with the habits, um, I know it's just thoughts in my head that

37:23I'm like, Oh, you know, eventually if I get down to that weight or whatever, I, I do want to, you know, try to bodybuilding competition and just to prove to myself that I can do it or just to see, but then another part of me goes, no, I love food way too much to, to do that, you know, that type of thing. So I was like, talk myself out of it, but then a part of me also was like, but I actually want to see how far I can go. Right. So, so all those voices, all I want to say again, is those voices are equally valid and

37:54as best as humanly possible to not make yourself wrong for that. It's, it's literally owning those parts of you. Like I can ease, like I'm, I'm into health and I'm into fitness and I could easily own the part of me that, you know, sometimes I just want to eat whatever I want. And sometimes I just don't want to go out and exercise. I might push myself to do it, but there's definitely this part of me that can be lazy. So I'm aware of that part. I notice it and I don't fight it.

38:26I don't make it wrong. I'm just noticing it. Oh, there it is. So at some point you will start to notice which voices are the most important for you. Okay. Because this is like, ultimately what I wish for you is that whatever you do, it's a choice that's really for you.

38:56And that sure, if you want to prove something to yourself, that's probably the best person to prove something to is to you. Yeah. But I wish for you to, to really relax into, you don't need to prove anything to your parents or to your partner. Like you don't need to prove anything to them. You might think you do, but I don't think you do. I think they love you and they might have whatever opinions they might say, whatever they

39:26say, and still you're loved by them. And there's a place where if that's enough for you, if you can relax into that, then when it comes to your goals with weight, with fitness, it'll be easier to move towards those goals because you're not being weighed down by, oh my God, if I'm not successful at this, I'm

39:57not going to be loved.

40:01It seems to me that you do well when you set a goal and you're proving something to yourself and there's not necessarily a lot of emotionality around it.

40:19Like getting to the place where you can get your own car, like sure, it's exciting, but there's not a lot of emotionality around it. You're not busy thinking like, if I don't get this car, nobody's going to love me.

40:32They might think you need a car. They might wonder why you don't have one.

40:38But it's not as charged of a topic as looks and weight and shame. Yeah. I want to look good in a dress too, right? Like it's, I think, again, like growing up, watching all the pageants, right? And then you're, and just going to the stores and like seeing that the clothes just look better on a thinner body, you know, and that being part of that thin ideal look, like the slim and slender look that, that the Chinese culture perceive to be like the ideal perception

41:11of beauty. I think it's still in the back of my head too, where I was like, oh, I just wish that I was just that slim and slender, you know, the model-esque where you can put on anything and just look good, right? Like I'm, I know that I'm not like overweight and I'm relatively healthy. Well, actually I am healthy. That's what my doctor said.

41:36And that, I don't know, like it's just the image thing, I guess. So it's always the, the thing that I struggle with the most, right? And looking good in, you know, clothes.

41:50Yeah. Yes. That's, that's a lot of, that's a lot of pressure. So it makes sense to me that you will, you would struggle with that because that's, that's coming from the outside world. It's coming from the media. It's coming from culture. It's coming at you from every angle. It's coming at every young woman and every young man from so many places. So it's hard not to be impacted by that. And at the same time, as you mature and as you step more and more into yourself and your

42:25power, it becomes more important to notice what are the goals that I truly have for me? And what are the goals that were kind of placed there by the world that aren't necessarily mine? Now, there might be certain goals that were placed by the world that you decide, yeah, I want to go for that. That's totally fine. That's, that's, that's your choice. But it's just helpful if you're going to go for that, to do your best to make it your

43:00choice. Like, I'm choosing this for me. I'm not choosing this to be lovable by others. I'm not choosing this to satisfy some committee of people out there who are going to say, oh, okay, Sharon did it. Good girl. Congratulations. We accept you now. Whatever it is that you're doing it for you, because I think that's going to help you actually get to your goal. Right. Yes. And I think I'm like part of this whole journey is starting to realize that, whereas I'm not

43:33so worried about, you know, again, watching what I'm meaning. Like, I still am mindful, right? Like, I'm not going to eat a burger every day, that type of thing. But I think I'm not putting those limits on myself of like, you got to diet, diet, diet, right? Um, but I think, yeah, like going to the gym and just putting in, you know, showing up and going to the gym. That's like my first battle. Right. Um, and as long as I get there, then I know that I'm making progress and I'll, I'll get to the goal that I want.

44:03Yeah. Just, so I think I'm on the right track and that I am actually, you know, doing it for me because, and I, like, yeah, like, I think, you know, in 2021, when I decided that, you know, I didn't like my body and like the whole gym journey, like that's really with the help and some pushing and encouragement from my partner, um, I'm slowly on my way to achieve that goal. Um, but I guess I, I guess I, like I said, like, it's just being really hard on myself that I'm like, Oh, I should have gotten there faster.

44:34Or I should have gotten there already, or I should have gotten there by now, you know, that type of thing. Right. Whereas, you know, like I've been, yeah, pretty much going to the gym, like probably on average, at least like three to five days a week since 2021. Right. And for not, I guess for me, I, because I, like, I'm seeing this, the small changes in my body, but I don't see like the big changes where it's, you know, someone who's maybe more, um, dedicated and they would like, you know, lose their weight that they wanted to lose

45:08within like three or six months. Right. Whereas like, why can't I get there? And then I'm like, Oh wait, but it's also cause I love food and all these things. Right. So, yeah. So here's, I want to offer another distinction that, that, that may or may not be helpful for you. I, I find it's very useful when, when we're looking to lose weight that. Each one of us consider that you are on your own unique weight loss journey.

45:38Your weight loss journey is different from every other human beings, just like you are different from every other human being. Do we have similarities? Sure. But your journey as a person in life is uniquely yours and your journey with weight is uniquely yours. So would you like it to be faster? Sure. But here's what your journey looks like. Here's what it's doing. And here's how long it's taking. And you're more in the baby step universe in this department.

46:10And you know something that's not bad because I'm going to tell you in, in my experience, not all the time, but a majority of the time, when we lose weight incrementally, more slowly, it's much easier to hit our new natural weight and keep it there and have sustainable weight loss. Because a lot of times when people lose weight really quickly, it's because it gets very extreme. That's not sustainable.

46:41Extreme exercise, extreme calorie restriction. And then at some point you rebound, you're not extremely exercising and you can't just eat 500 calories a day. And so you rebound and you go in the other direction. Whereas, you know, for all we know, this is the wisdom of life and the wisdom of your body moving in its own way. So I would just offer for you to trust that. And because this is, this is less about, I mean, sure it's about weight loss, but this

47:16is about you feeling fulfilled as a person. This is about you reaching certain goals that are going to make you feel good about yourself. So if you want to get to the goal called, I feel good about myself, it's best that the journey resembles that. That is true. Yeah. So because if I'm beating myself up on my weight loss journey, I'm terrible. I suck. I'm too fat. I'm no good.

47:47I went off my diet. I'm so terrible. How am I going to end up in a destination of happiness? So the idea is to build happiness along the way is to build satisfaction along the way. Like, yeah, I'm getting to the gym three to five days a week. Satisfied. I'm seeing incremental changes. Celebrate that. Satisfied. The more we're in a literal stress response, the more anxiety we have about this goal, the more anxiety, the more fear, the more stress I'm using those terms interchangeably, the more

48:21we're literally in stress chemistry, the more we're in stress chemistry, the more difficult it is to shapeshift the body. In stress chemistry, it's essentially signaling the body to store weight and store fat and not build muscle. Most stressed human beings will tend to be weight gainers as opposed to weight losers. There's some people who, when they become extremely stressed, they lose weight. It's about 10 to 15% of the population, observationally.

48:51Most people, when they're under stress, COVID times, so many people gain weight. There's a tiny percentage of people lost weight because of the stress of that. So all I'm saying is it's also physiologic. So you're doing your physiology a favor. You're doing your weight loss physiology a favor. The more you can relax into the weight loss journey and enjoy yourself in that journey, celebrate the small successes and let the pace be what it is.

49:28Yeah. Yeah. And I think I have. Like, I think I finally sort of settled into that where I'm like, hey, at least I'm putting in the effort and I know it'll eventually get there. But I, yeah, it's just the, sometimes, you know, you know, those voices in your head just kind of pop up and then you kind of say like, hey, well, I should have gotten there faster or whatever. Cause you know, I'm on social media. I'm looking at, you know, fitness journey stories and stuff like that. And it's like, oh, you know, it's just, again, moments in time where I kind of have those

49:59thoughts.

50:01But yeah, I think I have reached a point in my fitness journey where I'm actually happy where it's like, oh, if I can get to the gym, great. If I can't, no big deal. I'm not going to be like, hey, you didn't go today or whatever, you know, that type of thing. So yeah, but I think it's, it's, it's been really helpful about, you know, talking to you about this. So, yeah, I hope so. I think, I think you're really poised to have what you want and there's just certain,

50:36certain inner shifts that we've been talking about that I think are subtle, but are powerful and really start to notice where it's, there's a little girl in you wanting approval and, and that's understandable. There's nothing wrong with that. But we just want the part of you that's looking to lose weight and exercise and eat right. We want that to be the woman in you, that to be the adult in you who's making those choices

51:07and saying, doing this for me, already feel good about myself as best you can. Yeah. Totally agree. Well, Sharon, I hope this was helpful for you. Aspen, thank you so much, Mark. Thanks for, thanks for doing this. Thanks for being real. Thanks for being honest. I so appreciate it. Yeah. Glad to be here. Thank you all for tuning in. Take care. Hey friends, we're so happy that you've joined us for another episode of the Psychology of

51:41Eating podcast with Mark David. Are you loving these episodes? Then simply subscribe and you'll never miss an episode again. We'd also love it if you'd leave us a review so we can hear more about your own journey with food and body. And if you're curious about what we offer at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, including our internationally acclaimed coach certification training that's rooted in dynamic eating psychology and mind-body nutrition, please head on over to our website, psychologyofeating.com.

52:18Until next time, take care and remember, having the body you want starts with loving the body you have.