330. Quick Thinks: A CLEAR Way Through Conflict

Introduction to spontaneous communication

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1:14Try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com. Conflict and challenge can arise in a flash. Being able to communicate calmly and clearly in these situations can have a huge impact on your short and long-term relationships. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this special Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

1:47I am thrilled to share that an updated version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter book and audiobook is now available. I've added content that shares how best to leverage AI for spontaneous speaking, how to reduce the added communication anxiety AI can bring, along with many other best practices I've learned since the book first came out. Additionally, I've added a chapter many people requested on how to handle in-the-moment conflict. Take a listen to an excerpt from the updated audiobook on how to better manage emotional challenges that can flare up in our relationships.

Why conflict spirals happen

2:26Application number seven. Staying calm, focused, and clear when conflict strikes.

2:34Key insight. Years ago, a friend of mine ran into some unexpected trouble during a birthday dinner for his sister that he was hosting. As my friend was slicing up his sister's favorite roast chicken dish, she made a snide remark about his parenting skills. Feeling hurt and offended, he couldn't help but lob some bitter insults back at her. Their dispute escalated, and despite the efforts of other family members to intervene, his sister stormed out. The two didn't speak for a few years.

3:04Today, my friend realizes that their rupture didn't have to happen, but was spurred by the spontaneous, unpredictable nature of the conflict. Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't handle the situation as calmly and productively as he might have. Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but they aren't inherently bad. In fact, they're essential. Research suggests that conflict, when properly handled, can lead to better work outcomes, stronger relationships, and creative problem-solving. The key is to overcome the strong emotions that seize hold of us when we unexpectedly find ourselves under fire.

3:42The spontaneous nature of these moments is precisely what makes them so challenging. When someone takes offense at a comment we've made, or interrupts with sharp criticism, or says something that disappoints us and leaves us stewing, we know that an aggressive or otherwise ill-advised retort on our part will only make matters worse. We have to get our message right, but we're also usually not at our calmest, clearest, or most rational. These situations demand our very best communication precisely when our stress response undermines our ability to deliver it.

4:16As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book Crucial Conversations, notes, under conditions of threat, we have a tendency to tell ourselves three kinds of stories. Victim, villain, and helpless stories. In the moment, my friend might have convinced himself that he was a helpless victim who had been accosted by his sister. He hadn't done anything to deserve that. He might have framed his sister as the villain, someone who apparently feels entitled to say whatever she wants, regardless of whom she hurts.

4:47He might have justified the insults he threw at her by reasoning that he had no choice as he was under attack. Anyone affronted like he'd been would have responded similarly. He was helpless to respond otherwise. These three kinds of narratives work together to lock us into defensiveness. They amp up our emotions and justify unhealthy responses, creating what researchers call a conflict spiral, in which negative emotions and expressions feed on themselves. We're not doomed to such spirals.

5:18With the right tools and a bit of practice, we can train ourselves to overcome the emotions that arise when we're caught by surprise, so that we can respond in ways that strengthen our relationships. Although we might not always achieve the outcomes we want, we can boost our chances if we learn to manage conflict productively and disagree nicely. Why it matters.

5:44Understanding how to communicate effectively in these unplanned conflict moments is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. When we mishandle impromptu disagreements at work or at home, our productivity and that of others around us declines. Our relationships fracture and we can suffer long-term damage to our reputations. We also miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, which could lead to better solutions and set us up better for future interactions. When we become adept at disagreeing, we can become more effective, happier, and connected with others around us.

The CLEAR communication framework

6:18Craft your content A mountain of research exists around conflict, and I've been fortunate to have a number of experts appear on my ThinkFast, TalkSmart podcast as guests. Coming away from these conversations, it occurred to me that devices from earlier in this audiobook, for instance, What? So What? Now What? can help structure our communication responses in conflict, so we don't simply need another one.

6:48Instead, we need a method for cautiously laying the groundwork for an effective response. Before we can pin down precisely how to communicate when in the heat of conflict, we first must step back, calm ourselves, and interrogate the situation in a methodical way. Synthesizing the insights and approaches of my podcast guests, I've arrived at a five-step framework called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows us to achieve a refreshing clarity even in the most heated moments.

7:21C. Check yourself. L. Listen with receptiveness. E. Explore their perspective. A. Acknowledge before advocating. R. Respond strategically.

7:38After running through the first four steps in the CLEAR framework, you can then leverage earlier structures in the R step to help you craft your message in the moment. Let's explore each of these five steps in turn. Step 1. Check yourself.

7:57Self-awareness is the foundation for effective communication during conflicts. You can't engage productively with others if you don't understand your own internal state. Jen Nguyen, a professor at New York University's Stern School of Business, advises we should first look for cues and clues that we're feeling triggered. A lump in our throat. Butterflies. A clenched jaw. A quickened pulse. If we sense these and similar signs, we can learn to pause even just for a few seconds,

8:27taking a breath or two while imagining a peaceful place or person whom we find calming. This serves to activate our parasympathetic nervous system and counteract our stress response. It also gives us a moment to shift out of a reactive mode and move from a hotter emotional state to a cooler one. As we're pausing, we can reframe the situation in our minds, reminding ourselves that what we initially took as a threat might actually be an opportunity to learn. We might ask ourselves why someone might reasonably be acting as our partner in conflict is.

9:04Example. Years ago, a colleague of mine, I'll call him Chuck, and I were collaborating on a fairly high-stakes work project. During a meeting with our mutual boss, Chuck proposed a course of action that undercut me and ran counter to what he and I had previously agreed. I was surprised and angry. I felt my chest tighten as it always does when I get upset, and this clued me in to take a moment to pause and check in with myself. Rather than rushing to confront Chuck in front of our boss, I managed to calmly ask Chuck why he thought his approach was the best course of action.

9:40Step 2. Listen openly. Once you've checked yourself, focus on listening, making use of the skills presented in Chapter 4. Passive hearing isn't enough. You must show genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective and openness to what they might be saying. What Harvard University's Julia Minson calls conversational receptiveness. As she found in her research, adding simple phrases that express a willingness to learn dramatically changes how others perceive us.

10:12Try saying, I understand this is a really complicated topic and I'd love to understand your point of view. Or, I get that some people might disagree and I'd like to learn about your perspective. You can also convey curiosity explicitly by asking respectful, open questions. As the person speaks, process what they're saying rather than planning out what you're going to say next. We often feel uncomfortable showing curiosity when we're in conflict with others, as it can feel like we're acquiescing.

10:44But the benefits of curiosity and listening are significant. As Minson notes, research participants who expressed curiosity came across as dramatically more reasonable and thoughtful and pleasant than those who didn't.

10:58Example In my conflict with Chuck, I asked lots of questions, including, what are the short and long-term implications of your plan of action? And, are there ways that we can support your goals while also addressing mine? I queried him about specific tactical issues like cost, timing, and scalability. My tone here was critically important. I conveyed genuine curiosity and deference, listening intently to his responses. Although Chuck did provide a clear rationale and detailed information,

11:31he wound up digging into his position. This wasn't what I'd hoped, but at least I had a better sense of how strongly he held his position and how thoroughly he'd thought it out. We'll continue our conversation in just a moment. First, a quick word from the sponsors who help make this show possible. One thing I've noticed about Better Sleep is how much it changes the way I show up the next day. I'm more focused, more patient, and better able to think and communicate clearly. And for me, that's where my Lisa mattress has made a real difference.

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13:48Step 3. Explore their perspective. Before you can respond effectively, be sure that you understand not just what the other person is saying, but why they're saying it. This requires that you think strategically about their situation, motivations, and interests. Ask yourself, what's going on in this person's mind? What concerns do they have? Thinking back to the villain stories that Joseph Grenny mentioned, try to challenge such narratives in your mind. Might this person be behaving more reasonably or rationally than you think?

14:20Do they have insight, perspective, or experience that you lack? And might this be guiding their actions? Are you ascribing negative intent to them where none existed?

14:30Example. As my conversation with Chuck unfolded, my boss and I learned that he was really most concerned about finding a new role for an employee of his who had a lot of potential but was struggling in his current role. The desire to help this employee was a key reason that Chuck had deviated from the course of action on which we'd previously agreed. Step 4. Acknowledge Before Advocating Once you understand the other person's perspective, don't just rush in presenting your own.

15:02Rather, convey your understanding by paraphrasing back what the other person said and making sure that you've heard them correctly. Many conflicts flare out of control because we rush to make our point without first showing we've genuinely listened. By conveying our understanding, we're not necessarily agreeing with the other person. We're simply demonstrating that we've heard them and that we respect them enough to consider carefully what they're saying. In repeating what you've heard, emphasize any points of agreement, ask for clarification if needed, and guard against subtly disparaging or reframing what they've said in the course of paraphrasing it.

15:40When conveying disagreement, don't immediately contradict it, but instead point to a more integrative and inclusive approach. Instead of saying, I understand you're frustrated, but we discussed this deadline last week, say, I understand why you might be frustrated, and I want to talk about how we can make this deadline work. The simple use of and instead of but makes all the difference.

Responding strategically to conflict

16:05Example After the first four steps, you're finally ready to respond substantively. You might feel tempted to advocate strongly for your position and adopt a take-no-prisoners approach.

16:41Instead, respond with an eye toward maintaining the relationship and keeping dialogue open. Following the advice given elsewhere in this audiobook, clarify your own deeper goals and core priorities, and adjust your communication given the specific relationships in play. Think, too, about which communication medium might be the most advantageous given the circumstances. Instead of responding immediately in the moment, perhaps it would help to wait a few hours and send an email. Doing so might give you and the other person time and space to think and let your emotions cool.

17:14On the other hand, email might feel too formal, and using it might be taken as a sign of distancing and disrespect. It all depends on the situation. Example In my conflict with Chuck, I thought of a way we could implement his desired course of action while modifying it to satisfy my concerns. We could adopt a phased approach that allowed his employee to do both the role Chuck wanted and a bit of the role I needed. This wasn't a perfect solution, but it was good enough.

17:45Although Chuck grew heated, I presented this solution in a way that was calm and reasonable. My boss expressed appreciation for the professional way I'd conducted myself, and in the end, he decided to go with what I proposed.

18:00Well, there you have it. A clear way to handle the in-the-moment conflicts that we all experience. I find myself relying on these techniques often, and they really can make a difference. I encourage you to use these techniques as well. Please check out my updated Think Faster, Talk Smarter book wherever you get your books and audiobooks. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder. With special thanks to Podium Podcast Company and the audio team at Simon & Schuster for providing this excerpt.

18:39Thanks for joining me for this Quick Thanks episode. If these takeaways were helpful, I'd love for you to listen to the full episode that started this conversation. There's more context, more stories, and more tools to support your communication. Give it a listen. And as always, thanks for your support. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations.

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