LET THEM Part Two

Introduction

0:00Hi there, this is Jim. And Ralph. Hey, and no music again, Ralph. Yeah, we're still in my living room for another week because we're continuing with Mel Robbins' Let Them. You're still recovering? I'm still recovering. Okay. Now, I talked to Alex a little bit ago, and he's really disappointed that he's not seeing us at the studio. So maybe we can make it next week. Not next week, which is Good Friday, but the week after.

0:32Okay. Well, this episode is airing on Good Friday. Yes. Yeah, okay. Next week, yes. The week after. The week after, yes. Okay. So you know the secret. We're recording two of these at the same time, one after another.

Let Them Theory

0:48You know, we were talking about this Let Them theory. And somebody is going to listen to what we're saying and say, well, are you going to, you know, let them commit armed robbery? And we dealt with that last time. And no, we're not going to let them commit armed robbery. Are you going to let them, and Mel Robbins uses this, you know, hey, somebody left their shoes at the beach. Hey, dumbass, get your shoes.

1:18Yeah. And, you know, the thing is that you can do that and still be saying to yourself, okay, well, let them theory says that I should just let them be a dumbass. But the idea is that not so much not saying to people, you pick up your shoes or, no, you're not going to go and commit an armed robbery.

1:49Don't be stupid. But you want to get yourself all churned up in your mind. Right. About somebody doing or saying something. Something else, yeah. And that's the big part of not getting, as my mother used to say, not getting your knickers in a knot over what somebody else is saying or what somebody else is doing. Yeah. Now, you know, here's maybe an example of that.

2:19You know, you text somebody. Okay. Yeah. And you say, okay, I'm sending you blah, blah, blah, blah. Get back to me. Okay. That happens a lot. And you sit there looking at your phone for the next 20 minutes. Mm-hmm. And they don't text you back. Uh-huh. And then you're saying, what, what, I said something wrong.

2:50I flamed them in the wrong way. I, uh, what did I do wrong? They're ignoring me for some reason, right? Yeah. Okay. And so you, uh, you know, you get yourself all worked up internally. Mm-hmm. And the thing is that the other person, A, may be in a meeting, B, may have a client. Somewhere. Uh, maybe, uh, they went to the washroom and didn't take their phone, you know? Like, there's all kinds of reasons that don't involve anything you did or didn't do.

3:22Right. Well, that's a novel we're writing, right? Yeah. And, or how about this? Let's go with that text message. Um, and this kind of dovetails into what we talked about last week, uh, with suggestions. You know, great text. You might think about, uh, including this in your proposal. Well, I've spent three days working the proposal. He doesn't, you know, realize that. And, yeah, I suppose I could do that.

3:54I could rewrite it again, but I don't want to, and I'm tired. And why is he making me do this? Right? Right. And the thing is, that's a suggestion. It's not, he's controlling me. Mm-hmm. You know, so you have to be able to say, okay, is it a good enough suggestion that I should do it? Okay. And if I'm hesitating, if I'm thinking, you know, I don't want to do it, uh, and, uh, so I might, uh, respond back.

4:31No, I think this is a fine, uh, proposal the way it is. You know, what am I afraid of? Um, am I afraid of, uh, uh, somebody thinking that I'm stupid or thinking that I'm inadequate?

4:45Yeah. So I'm defending myself almost prematurely, right? Right. Mm-hmm. And it's kind of like the, the first example from the previous podcast, Jim, that you said, well, the first part of my reaction was good, but then I got defensive. Uh-huh. And that often is the way we go. We say, blah, blah, blah, that, okay, yeah, I understand what you're saying, but. Uh-huh. And as soon as you hear the word, but, you stop thinking, right?

5:18Right. You just get ready to defend yourself. Mm-hmm. You know, something else that we talked about last time, and Robbins, you know, talks about this as well.

Opinions of Others

5:29Why do we get really, really concerned about the opinions of other people? I mean, is it our business? No. Whose business is it? Well, that's the thing. We often find ourselves, like the example I gave about the, the mouse catcher, we often find ourselves stuck in other people's business. Yeah. And, uh, is that a healthy response? No. No, okay.

6:00I think that's, that's correct. I mean, we can't. But is it a difficult one to sometimes separate? I think so. Yes. Yeah. So it's unhealthy, but it's natural. Yeah. If, um, you have a business partner, well, let's say we're business partners, and you're upset about something, um, uh, would it be a, the best approach just to let them, let Ralph be upset?

6:32Or, or as a business partner, would it be a, best to say, Ralph, you seem upset. What are you upset about? And you say, either tell me, or you say, I'm not upset. Yeah. Now, at that point, I can do something. I can say, well, I can see that you're upset, Ralph, and I'm not upset. No, come on. You've been thinking about, you know, this, this, and, you know, you can level with me. You can tell me why you're upset. Jim, I'm not upset. Now, you know, you can, I, you know, or you can say, yeah, I'm upset about the way you talk to me in these podcasts.

7:07Okay. Yeah. You know, you, you treat me like I'm the, uh, comical sidekick. I say, well, maybe I do. I can take some feedback then. Yeah. And, uh, I don't mind being the comic sidekick, but just take your hand out of my back, would you? So, so the, uh, if a person then, you know, is obviously upset, but said, the person says, I'm not upset, then the let them theory would say, okay, let them be what?

7:44Let them, let them be upset and beyond, beyond a reasonable, well, I think you're upset, but that's all right if you don't want to talk, uh, beyond that, you know, you don't have to crank them up. So eventually they get angry enough that they break, and then what comes out is probably more hostile and it really warranted. Yeah, I think one of the things that, uh, uh, Robbins talks about is, uh, how do I, if I look at something, you know, like that last exchange we talked about, what approach would I take to feel some sort of inner peace with myself and peace between myself and Ralph, right?

8:40Yeah, and, and, and sometimes that would be, okay, just taking Ralph at face value, you know, no, I'm not upset. Well, okay, yeah, I've known Ralph for two years now, two plus 80 years, uh, and, uh, yeah, is Ralph capable of being upset? Probably, probably, probably, uh, but do I respect him enough to, you know, stay out of his business?

9:10You know, it's not, if he is upset and it's not about me, then it's about the cat that has just, you know, done something shameful to Ralph's, uh, pants. Yes, yes, uh, so, you know, the thing is that you, you have to let people be who they are, what they think, what they do, and say to yourself, okay, I'm okay with that.

9:45I'm okay with that, and, um, I don't have to correct them or fix them. Yeah, yeah, I, I don't have to respect your opinion. You have an opinion, as miserable as it seems, but it's your opinion, not my opinion. And, you know, that's where, in this country, I think, we've talked about this a lot, but the, the civility or lack of civility, I think a lot of it has to do with our perception that we can control what other people say or, or think, and we can't.

10:25Yeah. Well, you know, um, you say X about a car or a political party or a, uh, a football team, and my reaction is the polar opposite, so I get into a, quotes, civil discussion about Ford products versus General Motors products. Right. Now, that seems trivial, doesn't it? It does. But, remember Sous-Saint-Marie when we were growing up?

10:56Oh, yeah. I mean, there were, there were guys that, uh, well, to give you another example that isn't Ford, Chevy, um, the, uh, a lot of the guys had, uh, snow machines, and you could find a guy who said, Arctic Cat. Okay. And another guy who said, Ski-Doo, and they would do everything but, uh, duke it out on the barroom floor over which was a better machine.

11:29Mm-hmm. And the reason I mentioned Ford versus Chev, you know, up in, up in the Sioux where Ralph and I grew up, there were people who said, we're a Chevy family. Not just, I like Chevys, but my golly, you know, Carols are, you know, are wedded to Chevys. And, and another group would say, no, no, we're Ford people, and Babers are Ford people, you know. And, again, we could get into a big discussion argument about the relative merits of either of those cars.

12:05And the thing that was interesting up in, up in the Sioux when we were growing up, Ralph, they were both equally bad. Yeah. People were buying cars every two years because they didn't last any longer than two years. If you got, uh, if you got three years out of a vehicle and 100,000 miles, you, uh, you thought it was a, a modern miracle. Oh, indeed. You know, nowadays, you know, I'm driving a 15-year-old car, and, hey, I think it's going to go on for another 500 years.

12:39No, not exactly. Maybe five years. Yeah, five years. And, uh, my car is a 2014 and is still running and gets me from A to B. And I would... It's good enough for you, right? Yeah, I would love to get a brand new, uh, 2006 widget, except I can't afford $60,000 for a new widget. Mm, okay. Well, hey, I'm looking out the window. It looks like your existing widget is good enough.

13:10Good enough. Yeah, you fixed the back window. That was, that was excellent. Yeah. Okay, so, why do we want to correct people? Well, well, we want to correct people, or why do we, uh, because, I guess we're afraid of looking stupid. Yeah, and fear comes down to a lot of this, and we talked about that last week with the, the fight-flight response as a result of, of fear. And the thing is, you know, to me, Jim, um, my internal set of values and ideas says, most of the time, I'm correct.

14:00Yeah, and somebody else's set of internal beliefs and ideas say, most of the time, I'm correct. Yeah. And we turn that around and say, and if I'm correct, he isn't correct, or she isn't correct. Yeah. Okay. So, our, our thing of, why do we want to fix or change other people, I think, is we want to make them more like us. Uh-huh. Yeah. And, you know, they, the thing is. That would be a pretty uninteresting world if they were all like us, right?

14:31Yeah, the, the, uh, the book that goes back to the 50s, The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit, which was talking about how we're all becoming more like everybody else, and we're all indistinguishable one from the other. Uh, and, you know, we, we today say, well, you know, look, here's my thing. I don't use very much at all social media.

15:05Okay. But there are lots of people who get all their news, all their information, all their belief about sports, uh, vehicles, et cetera, et cetera, from social media. Okay. And so, that's a world that I don't know. Mm-hmm. And so, I say, well, you know, here's what, um, here's what Reuters said about, uh, the current world situation.

15:40And they say, oh, that's not what TikTok says. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, then we're into, I believe this, you believe that. Yeah, I believe our sources. And, you know, just last week, um, the, some court, uh, ruled on, I guess it was Meta and, and Twitter or Instagram, about the addictive effects of social media.

16:11We should talk about that in, uh, another podcast. Yeah.

Let Them Have Opinions

16:17But, I think for right now, you know, the idea of let them is a valid one. You know, let them have their opinions, let them have their behaviors, as long as their opinions and behaviors are not adversely affecting us, right? Right. Now, there's, there's a couple of things with that. One of them is intervention when somebody is going to do something actively harmful to others or themselves.

16:52Mm-hmm. Okay. So, you don't let somebody take a fake gun and stick up a, uh. Yeah, right. Uh, store, and you also don't encourage them to use harmful drugs. Okay. But, the other thing is, uh, the old saying, your right to swing your fist ends when my nose begins. So, yeah, you have a right to your opinion, your belief systems, your ideas.

17:25Your emotions. Your emotions. Don't inflict them upon me. Don't inflict them upon me. Okay. And, you know, as we've said before, we're just very, very willing to inflict our values and emotions upon other people. So, one of the things that we're going to inflict is our, uh, logo at the end here. Again, no music, but this is Ralph. And this is Jim. What am I? Who am I, really?

17:56This is Jim. And Ralph. Saying, keep your stick on the ice. Because we're all in this together.

18:07Good job.