The vital parenting shift: becoming a mentor to your teen

Introduction

0:02SPEAKER_00Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangle, the audio hub for parents going through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now, listenership naturally drops over the summer months, so I'm taking some time away from interviewing to reset myself and be with my family. Rest is important, so let's take it seriously. But I thought I'd use this time to try a little experiment. The idea is to plant seven parenting seeds, one for each day of the week, to help

0:32SPEAKER_00you grow your garden ahead of your kids starting secondary school or going back. It's a must-lesson for parents of tweens, but it's still a great sense check for all of us. They're not seven things you need to do perfectly, just seven ideas that over time can grow into something really special. When our kids go up to senior school, it's tempting to focus on all the practical things like which secondary school should they have a phone, what time should they go to bed, how much homework should they do. And of course those questions matter, but I think there are some much

1:03SPEAKER_00deeper foundations that determine what kind of adolescence they have and how it feels in your family.

Parenting Foundations

1:11SPEAKER_00To illustrate why this matters, I want to start with a very moving review Anne Jally wrote on my website last week. So this is what she said. I've come back to this podcast recently and been reminded just how helpful and healing it is. It makes me also realise what massive mistakes I've made. And I wish I could go back to the start of my parenting journey and start again. Would love an episode that explores how to look forward and be the parent you want to be, even when your kids still treat you like the parent you once were. And Jelly, I'm

1:41SPEAKER_00sure many of us can relate to what you've just said, including me. I wasn't getting it right with my youngest, and look, it took time to figure out what she really needed. So my great friend Emma taught me a brilliant concept the other day, which is to think about our relationship in bus stops. Which stop are you at? And which is your child at? And Jolly, you've moved on and you've now noticed that the view from your child's stop is different to yours. You need to go back, find the stop they're

2:11SPEAKER_00at, and make that journey together. It's never a one and done, and sometimes they're the ones who got on the bus, but you won't find each other without communicating about what's happening. So be explicit. Explain that you've spent a lot of time thinking about your parenting because you love your children and you've realized you've been making some mistakes because you're human and you needed to change. Then get feedback. What does the view look like from their stop? Have they noticed

2:43SPEAKER_00that you are somewhere different? How does it feel for them? What's still missing? Talk about it. This is why my first seed is all about being open and explicit about what's happening to your relationship with your child when you're heading into the teen years. There will be links to relevant episodes in the notes. For those of you who are just setting out on the tween and teen path, it's really worth starting out with an open conversation about the fact your relationship is going to change. You're going to start asking them what they think

3:13SPEAKER_00and helping them to problem solve rather than doing it for them. So seed one, changing gears or getting on the bus together. Take a trip with your child, something enjoyable that you would both love to do or to try out. It doesn't have to be long. It can be half a day, a full day, or even a weekend. I rented a camper van with Amelia, Phoebe and I went to Venice. I know, I know, it was pre-COVID and we were very lucky. One-to-one time is very precious, and the aim is to relax, chat about anything

3:44SPEAKER_00and everything they want to talk about. Don't take it seriously. You're trying to establish connection and have fun. At some point, you can talk to them about how parenting changes gears. That you are now shifting into a new era which isn't about monitoring, it's about mentoring. Explain what that means, that you're going to sit side by side with them and ask them what they think about it. Tell them it's not going to happen overnight because we change gears slowly, and if we do it too fast,

4:14SPEAKER_00the chain's going to fall off. Tell them that you see your role now as sitting by their side, looking out at the world. You're going to help them to unpack what they see, figure out how to solve their own problems rather than trying to do it for them. Now you can acknowledge that it's going to feel a bit scary for you at times because you spent your whole life protecting them. And it might also feel a bit scary for them because you can no longer wade in to fix things. For example, my daughter said, You can't fix my friendships now. I used to just

4:45SPEAKER_00create a playdate when it went off course. And of course, that's not something we can do now. Reassure your child is not going to happen overnight and that you're still going to have strong boundaries in place because that will keep everyone feeling safe. But your default will be giving them opportunities to grow and challenge themselves and increasingly help them figure out how to solve their own problems. Your entire message will be I am going to love you through all of the ups and downs of adolescence. I may not like

5:16SPEAKER_00the things you do, but my love will never be conditional on you doing anything or being anything in particular. You have my love no matter what. C2. Is your home safe and predictable? I'll be honest, I used to hate the word routine. It sounded boring and restrictive. And now I think of routines very differently. And I think of them as anchors or a port in a storm. Teenagers live in a world that's constantly changing. Friendships change, schools change, bodies change, emotions change.

5:46SPEAKER_00Home can be the one place that feels predictable. And here's the other thing. I asked my listeners whether any of them have families in which there are very few, if any, arguments or instances of nagging. The ones who told me life was relatively harmonious all said it was down to the fact that they had a clear family routine and everyone followed it. So here's what I suggest. Take some time to think about your household routine. I'm not asking you to change anything right now, but what time

6:17SPEAKER_00does everybody go to bed? What time do you all eat? Where do you eat? Do you all follow the same rules? Or is there one rule for some members of the family and another for someone else? How do you make time for fun with each other? Now I finished on the fun because I want that to linger. Maybe it's eating together a few nights a week, maybe it's Friday pizza, Sunday walks, or a regular family check-in. Ask yourself this. When your teenager walks through the front door,

6:47SPEAKER_00what tells their nervous system that they're home and they feel safe?

Positive Reinforcement

6:53SPEAKER_00C3. Catch them doing good. Now we spend our entire teenage years being measured. Social media compares them, friends rank them, uh, the school ranks them. Home shouldn't be another place where they're constantly measured, compared, and told what they've done wrong. So try to focus your attention on what they do well rather than picking up on their mistakes all the time. This will supercharge your bond. Trust me on this. Try some of these. I notice you did such and such.

7:24SPEAKER_00Thank you. I love how you you know that's something you do well, and other people, even adults, find it hard. I really respect you for XYZ. I know it was tough. When we consistently notice our children's strengths rather than focusing on their faults, we're helping them to build a positive identity. They'll be less fearful of making mistakes and much more likely to listen to us and listen to our rules when things matter. Seed4. Listen until

7:55SPEAKER_00they feel understood. One of my daughters once told me that lots of teenagers don't tell their parents things because they think their parents either won't care or they'll overreact. Neither makes a teenager want to open up. One of the most useful parenting skills I've learned is something called lufu. Listen until they feel understood. If we keep that in mind, whenever our kids are telling us something, it can stop us trying to jump in and start fixing. Two techniques for listening:

8:25SPEAKER_00super silence, active listening. Super silence is allowing their thoughts to breathe. Give them space when you ask questions. And I like asking, what's the gossip? It's very generic and it's playful. If they open up, say, oh really? Wow. That sounds great, or that sounds hard. You're just registering that you're listening. Active listening is picking up on what they said and summarizing it. So it sounds like you feel annoyed with Sam when he said that because it seemed

8:55SPEAKER_00disrespectful. If you got it right, they'll say, Yeah, that's it. If you misunderstood, they'll correct you. Either way, unless they explicitly ask for your advice, they don't want it. They just want to vent. Your next question is, tell me more. Or what do you think you want to do about it? When teenagers feel emotionally safe with us, they will keep coming back.

Modelling Behavior

9:21SPEAKER_00C5. Model what you want to see. One of the huge parenting issues now is when do we give our child their first phone? I think there's another question that we should ask first. What have I been modelling? Our children have watched us use technology for years and we are what is normal to them. Do we put our phones away when someone starts talking? Do we scroll our phones at dinner? Do we take our phones into the bedroom with us? Children learn

9:52SPEAKER_00what's normal long before they own a phone for themselves. So before you give them one, or if you've already done that, think about what you've been modeling and make adjustments that you want to see. We want to raise young people who know how to use technology well, and that starts with

Self Awareness

10:08SPEAKER_00us. Seed six, be curious about yourself. This might be the hardest seed of all. Now's the time to be curious and try to notice what triggers you. Notice what makes you react before you've had time to think. You'll feel it in your body. And it's important because your children are learning emotional regulation by watching yours. And in fact, they probably can answer these questions better than you can yourself. So instead of judging yourself, come curious.

10:38SPEAKER_00Wonder what happened there. Why did that affect me so much? What was that saying to me? What's the underlying story and what can I learn about myself? Curiosity is far kinder and far more useful than criticism.

Talking to Kids

10:54SPEAKER_00Seed seven. Talk to your kids before others do. Don't wait. Don't wait until they're offered a vape before talking about vaping. The vaping starts as soon as they get to secondary school, if not before then. Don't wait until there's a problem with pornography before discussing it. Don't wait until they're under pressure to send a nude before talking about the issues or expected to try an alcoholic drink before they've really thought through how they'll respond.

11:24SPEAKER_00Teenagers don't magically discover confidence under pressure. They fall back on what's already in their brain and what they've practiced. I have episodes on all of these topics. Listen to them and make sure your child knows how to deflect and what to say when they're put under pressure. Talk about your family's values, role-play awkward conversations, give them words they can borrow when they're caught off guard. You're not trying to frighten them, you're trying to prepare them. And one of the greatest gifts we can give them is the confidence to stop,

11:55SPEAKER_00think for themselves, and make choices that reflect their own values. For example, if they're offered alcohol, instead of saying no, which feels really difficult if you're a teenager, teach them to say something they really want. Like, do you know what I really want right now? Coca-Cola. Or, you know, I want some water. Or you can even set yourself up as the bad guys. So have them say, nah, my parents would kill me if they find out. I'm not not even going there. Those are my seven seeds. None of them is about being perfect.

12:25SPEAKER_00None of them requires expensive courses or complicated systems. They're simply seven small shifts that over time can flourish to create something every teenager needs and help you to feel secure that you're doing the best you can. And that's what fearless parenting means to me. We're not trying to never make mistakes. It's not going to happen. We're trying to raise young adults who know that whatever life throws at them, home is where they're always loved. Still the safest place they know.

Feedback and Conclusion

12:53SPEAKER_00Now, help me out. Tell me what you think of what I've just said. Is it helpful? Would you rather I just reran the best of the old episodes over summer? Very happy to do that. I don't take offense. Would you prefer interviews with guests? Do you find it useful to have episodes with my girls? Do you just prefer me chatting with another parent like Susie? What helped you most? Are there any topics I'm missing? I'm really, really keen to get some feedback because I need to think about the next direction

13:23SPEAKER_00for the podcast. That's it for this week. Big hug from me. Bye-bye.