Step-Parenting Teens: Build Connection, Not Conflict

Introduction

0:03SPEAKER_01Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangled, the audio hug for fearless parents who are looking for a combination of research from experts and our own flawed experience to help you grow and learn. I'm Rachel Richards, former correspondent for the BBC, mother of two teenagers and two boneless daughters, which is our topic today. In other words, blended families, step parenting. I recently talked with Marcia Russanov about the best ways to navigate conflict. And at the end of the interview, we got on to reflecting on being a set parent. And I thought, wow, she'll be perfect for revisiting this topic,

0:34SPEAKER_01which I originally discussed with Susie about, I don't know, three and a half years ago now.

Blended Families

0:39SPEAKER_01We're going to explore why it can feel so challenging for everyone, why you're not broken, if you're finding it hard, which you probably are, uh, why it's so important to focus on building your relationship rather than disciplining them, and why emotional regulation doesn't mean never having difficult thoughts. We'll also get into the top tips for managing on a day-to-day basis. But anyway, welcome back to the podcast, Marcia.

1:03SPEAKER_00Thank you so much, Rachel. It's so great to be here.

1:06SPEAKER_01Yeah, great to see you again. Now, you you actually wrote a deeply honest Substack on this topic. And I loved your point that adults get to make the choices. And then our kids basically get new homes, new siblings, new routines, uh, you know, new loyalties, new tensions. And that can make it really tricky. Uh and it's not something that they choose. It's actually not something we often would choose, right? You you you fall in love with a person. How have you found that?

1:35SPEAKER_00Uh, very difficult. You know, um, I wish I had this fairy tale story of like, oh, and you know, wending families was so easy. I met my husband and we fell in love and we all moved in.

1:50SPEAKER_00Not exactly how it all went down. Yeah, you know, we tried to be very gentle with the kids, but then things in life happened.

Step Parenting Challenges

1:59SPEAKER_00For example, after we started dating, my grandma fell sick and she was dying. And it was clear that she was on her way out, and we were at that point already talking about getting married, and uh, we were kind of planning the wedding at some point in the future, and then this happens with my grandma, and we're like, well, if we want her to be there, we need to move along.

2:24SPEAKER_00Wow. Yes, yeah. So we got married in my parents' backyard, and my grandma was there, so she was bedridden, but we were there with her, and it was so important for me that that's how it happened. But at the same time, maybe not all the kids were ready for that step at that time. Like some kids probably would benefit from more time. And when I say kids, I mean uh one of our four uh children, two of my own,

2:54SPEAKER_00and then my husband has two daughters.

2:56SPEAKER_01It's interesting, isn't it? Because I don't think there's ever a good time. We waited so long, I didn't want to meet them for the first six months because even though my husband wanted me to meet them, and I just said, look, it's not fair on them for, you know, let's let's see if we have a proper relationship before I enter their lives, because they don't need a parade of different women coming through their lives and confusing them because they were super, super young, mine were. And uh, we waited years. Not that we weren't even talking about marriage at all. We were just, I don't know, dating. But

3:27SPEAKER_01they would bring it up and they'd say, You're not gonna marry that woman, are you? And you know, things like that. And I'd say, Well, I'm that's not something we've even been talking about. Why are you bringing that up? And it became a really difficult topic. And eventually one day they said, Okay, you can get married. Again, we hadn't even talked to them about it, but no children. I do think kids want to wrestle some control, and often it's out of our hands. It's not, I mean, it is in our hands to an extent, but you know, the way our,

Co-Parenting Differences

3:54SPEAKER_01like you say, we all want a fairy tale. I mean, who doesn't? Right. And wouldn't it be lovely if we just, you know, you met the man of your dreams and then it was all smooth sailing, and but that's not reality, is it? Yeah. So I do think that often children are grieving a loss anyway. They want their fairy tale, they want their parents to be together, they want this, this, you know, why can't I have the perfect parents? And my older bonus daughter one day said to me that it was only when she started to see all her friends' parents divorced

4:25SPEAKER_01that she realized that actually she had a really positive experience. But to start with, they can feel like really, you know, poor then. Right. Did what did you did you get that feeling with your kids at all?

4:37SPEAKER_00I went through it myself when my parents divorced. Uh and then they both remarried pretty soon after. And at first it was

4:51SPEAKER_00very traumatic, uh, although I would say my mom handled everything really well, but it took me a really, really, really long time to completely let go of that fantasy, or even uh not of the parents being together per se, but the trauma of my dad leaving. I only recently through EMDR actually managed to find a reframe or see it in a different way where I started feeling so grateful

5:21SPEAKER_00that they actually did separate. Um interesting. Yeah, it it was just like the way of looking at things and recognizing what my life could have been like if they did stay together. And it would be very different for sure. But um, some people are just better when they're not with each other, just like me and my ex-husband, we are the bestest of friends now. When we were together as a married couple, things were tough, and the kids probably felt it too.

5:51SPEAKER_00But now, you know, we're friends and it works so much better for all of us and our current spouses and all the kids, because my husband's wife also has two kids, and they're older. But yeah, in some situations, you just start seeing it, and in the moment it might feel like, yes, it's loss and it's grieving, and for the kids too. But then now even my son's friends are like, wow, you you're so lucky you have two parents who actually get along, because for many of them, their divorced parents don't.

6:22SPEAKER_01Yes, yes, and that's a very important point, and that actually caused a lot of problems in my situation because the parents didn't get on. And I do think it makes a massive difference if there's a good relationship there, because otherwise, when the kids are coming to you, there's so much um uh mistrust. Because if your biological parent doesn't get on with you know the other biological parent, and the other biological parent is with somebody else, there's a whole load

6:53SPEAKER_01of like what's going on here, and they can't they can't secure themselves to anything.

Emotional Regulation

6:57SPEAKER_01So that's really, really tricky. And it would be nice if we could all get on, but we can't. Um, but it would be really great. Um, what I'm interested in, Gloria, you've got in your immediate family with your husband, you've got two of your own kids, and then there are two other ones, one of whom doesn't live with you. And then, you know, obviously there's an there is that sounds really complicated, like there are another two kids on the scene. So your sons have got uh a complicated setup too. What's really interesting in in the article that you wrote was you pointed out how

7:27SPEAKER_01step parenting feels different emotionally. And you talked about this biological buffer and that we often feel guilty and we struggle with patience with the stepkids. Can you talk a bit more about your thoughts and experience of that? Because I'm hearing that from other people, other parents I've spoken to who are who are stepparents.

7:49SPEAKER_00Well, it's the biological mechanisms of when you give birth to a child, you immediately have this unconditional love and acceptance of them. And you forgive everything, you know, forgive them for everything, no matter what they do. There's this innate bond that you form with your biological child. And when new people come into your life, even if they're kids, you know, your bonus kids, you don't have that with them. It's just like any other relationship

8:19SPEAKER_00that we develop later in life, not from the start, where you kind of have to earn each other's trust and you have to get to know each other and you become friends, and potentially that grows into love and deeper feelings towards each other and deeper connection. But it's just not there by default, just like it is with your biological kids. And because of that, it's a little bit different with how we, I guess, we behave around our own kids

8:50SPEAKER_00and our stepkids. And as rational and fair and empathetic adults, we try really hard to be even and fair and um have the same standards for everybody in the family and the same consequences. However, there are still things like triggers that um we feel just so much more acutely when it's not our biological child doing something.

9:21SPEAKER_00Yes. It's normal because that's how biologically it is wired. But if you're not aware of it, then it starts influencing how you are with your kids versus stepkids. But once you become aware of this and recognize that that's there, you have more power to show up differently or to choose how you actually respond in different situations.

9:44SPEAKER_01Yes, I think that's absolutely true. And I remember when I was researching this that we we turn up with it's like a bank that we're deposit putting deposits in. And when you give birth to a child or you're right there from the very start, that emotional bank gets filled up over the years and these and you get interest on it, and you know, every and this these layers of knowledge about each other really impact on that relationship. A new step parent arrives with no emotional credit, there's nothing there.

10:14SPEAKER_01So you can't take anything out of that bank. You can't start withdrawing things and expecting things when you haven't actually built that relationship yet. And I have found that over the years with my older bonus daughters who are now like 28 and 31, that emotional bank has built up to such an extent that we have a really good relationship. I still would I still think it's not as deepened as it would be had

10:45SPEAKER_01I been with them, you know, had they be I've been biologically looking after them from day one. Um it just you know, you try, but it's not the same. I think this leans into one of the issues, which is Patricia Papernau's principle, where she's talking about connection before correction. And I think this matters for all of us. So anybody who's raising kids and teenagers in particular, it's this kind of we need to connect before you actually start trying to correct somebody because if you're not connected to them, they're not going to listen to you. In fact, it's it's about emotional regulation, isn't it? And

11:16SPEAKER_01being able to just be calm, because no one can listen to someone when they're not emotionally calm. But with a bonus kid, you can't walk in there and start enforcing discipline without building that relationship first. How did you find that with your situation?

11:35SPEAKER_00Um you know, we use natural parenting. Have you heard of that one? Tell me about it. Uh natural parenting, it's a play on words that it's not your parenting. Uh

11:49SPEAKER_00we agree that um the consequences and the disciplining we do with our own biological children. And we never, if possible, do the like the harder part with our bonus children. Because we haven't built up that bank yet. It takes so many years to build that connection. So now, whenever something happens, like I see something happening with my bonus daughter

12:19SPEAKER_00that um maybe needs addressing, I go to my husband. I don't go to her directly and say, Hey, you didn't you know do the dishes properly or whatever. Um, I go to my husband and they say, Hey, when you have a moment, can you, you know, talk to her about this thing that I noticed? And um, and then he does. And same thing with my boys. If he sees something that they're doing that needs to be addressed, he goes to me and not to them. There are, of course, exceptions when we are not, you know, when the other parent is not around and something

12:50SPEAKER_00is happening that needs to be addressed right now, of course we do. Or if it's our own boundaries that are being pushed, then it's our responsibility to protect our own boundaries. But everything else, you know, over disciplining, the biological parent does. And I think it works so well.

13:07SPEAKER_01So yes. So I think that's so smart. And I think that the whole setting of boundaries, there's a human setting of boundaries that should be expected in relationships, and that's what you're doing. You can set boundaries as a human being. It's just whether you're actually trying to parent them, which is a kind of different relationship, isn't it? But I have spoken to people who've been in relationships where the biological parent is not actually stepping up and it's it causes so much friction in the house because you know, if

13:38SPEAKER_01if you're the person who is seeing the issues, mentioning it to the biological parent and the parent doing nothing, that can be very difficult to navigate, can't it? I mean, it's kind of important to sit down and have those conversations and say, come on, we need to have an agreement over this.

13:56SPEAKER_00Yes, there's that. And I see relationships fall apart because of that, uh, where the step parent feels like the biological parent is not stepping up, and then inevitably there's different uh behavior towards biological and bonus kids, and that just leads to total chaos. And then another issue is the difference between how uh co-parents parent, right? So difference between

14:26SPEAKER_00households, where in one household there is one approach to parenting and a set of rules, and in another, it's a totally different picture, uh, totally different game, maybe even no rules. And that confuses the kids a bit. But I do have to say that they figure it out eventually and they are able to learn, you know, what the different rules are in different households and they follow it pretty easily.

14:54SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think it's really horrible, actually. I mean, I, you know, I think about kids who have to move one week in one household, one week in another household, or one weekend in the household, and they've got to move all their stuff or, you know, carry a new bag, or they've got a separate amount of stuff there and having to navigate different rules. And then I also think, wow, they're getting a head start on understanding that you move into a different space and often the rules are different. And you know, navigating that, they they probably get quite good at it, where other kids who don't ever have to experience that may

15:24SPEAKER_01not not really understand that until later in life. So there's some there is some benefits to it. Um, I and I do think coming back to the the issue with uh connection and bonding, one of the things I found really tricky was right from the start, one of my bonus daughters just didn't want to bond with me. She wanted to push me away all the time. And I think it's not personal. And we've got to understand that it's

15:55SPEAKER_01probably about their sense of loyalty, that they're scared to show you too much affection because like they see you as pulling their the other parent away, or that they it would be disloyal to the parent that they normally live or they spend time with. So I do think that's one of the things that shows up. And as parents, we need to really notice and manage that because it can feel very painful for us. I mean, have you got any experience with that?

16:22SPEAKER_00Yes. Um I guess my own and also with my clients, um, where the parent may not even intentionally do this, but they just cannot self-regulate enough to not show how they feel about the other parent. And right, it's the uh about the other parent or their spouse or partner, and

16:52SPEAKER_00any mention by the child of this other side, the parent or their spouse or anybody else, triggers that person, and they are maybe they're not saying anything, but they have facial expressions and the energy changes and they tense and they roll their eyes or they sigh, or you know, or they do say something like, Oh, you know, that person. Make little comments. Uh it doesn't take that

17:23SPEAKER_00much uh for the child to notice this different of a difference of dynamic.

17:29SPEAKER_01Yes.

17:30SPEAKER_00And you know, we talk a lot about parental alienation, and it's things like this that leads to that, to parental alienation and estrangement, where one parent is just um can't regulate to uh stay calm, stay present, and stay positive when the other parent or their family come up. And it's just so tough. And uh I see it so many times just working with people who

18:01SPEAKER_00are going through a divorce because divorce, you know, triggers the conflict and it's not an easy process, and there are fights about assets and custody and all of that. And it's so hard to stay regulated through that in front of your child. Like you get a text and you're like, you know, that person

18:22SPEAKER_00just said, what?

18:25SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's it's and we're all in in this really Of course.

18:32SPEAKER_01And I thought what was really interesting was I, from the day one, I thought these poor girls don't deserve like it's not their fault. So I made a promise to myself that I would always be positive about their mother. Because the father and the mother were having a uh, you know, a tough time as a in their relationship. I thought there needs to be someone in this who's just gonna go, your mum's great, you know, I'm not gonna say anything. He wasn't saying things to them either, but they, you know, slowly things were coming back, which were just patently not true, but they were one side of a situation. And it's really hard not

19:02SPEAKER_01to say, yeah, but that's not really right. Um and sometimes it you can sort of try and correct it a little bit, but you have to kind of let it go. And then later on, as they get older and they're more capable of listening to other nuanced ways of looking at things, that you can give them more information when you can see they're ready and they're ready to to handle that. Um it's very hard not to push back and say, oh, that's not um, and I loved you. One of the things you brought up in your our previous discussion was the bif

19:33SPEAKER_01statements. Brief, informative, friendly,