Stepping Into Your Parental Authority

Introduction

0:00Welcome back to the ADHD Parenting Podcast. We're re-releasing this episode because the message is too important to get buried. If you're parenting a child with ADHD, there's a lot of noise out there right now, especially on social media, telling you to soften, step back, and avoid conflict. But the research tells us a very different story. In this episode, we break down what it really means to step into your parental authority

0:31and why doing that with warmth and structure can actually reduce anxiety, improve behavior, and strengthen your relationship with your child. If things feel chaotic at home or like your child's running the show, this conversation will give you a clear, evidence-based path forward.

Host Introduction

0:53Welcome to the ADHD Parenting Podcast with Mike McLeod of Grow Now ADHD and Ryan Wexelblatt of ADHD Dude. Learn about parenting kids with ADHD from a licensed clinical social worker and speech-language pathologist who specializes in ADHD. No fluffy parenting advice, only practical information that will equip you to help your child with ADHD effectively. I have to tell you that this episode is very timely for me because it just so happens that yesterday I did office hours for the membership site

1:24and I found myself two or three times during, you know, that 45 minutes or an hour, however long it was, saying to parents, what I'm hearing is that you're not being authoritative enough and that you need to step into your parental authority more. And in some cases, that looked like speaking in a firmer voice sometimes. You know, sometimes it meant, you know, having more, you know, structure, scaffolding and boundaries at home.

Parenting Styles

1:49And we're going to get into all this. But, you know, I just wanted to, you know, mention to you that, yeah, this is just really timely for me because I just went through this like three times yesterday. So I think, Mike, a good place to start would be, why don't you start talking a little bit about, you know, what the research tells us on parenting styles? Because I think a lot of people still don't know this and there's decades of research to support this. So why don't we start there? Yeah, this is exactly why I'm so excited to talk about this on this episode because this whole concept of parental authority,

2:21when parents first hear about it, they tend to get scared. And, you know, it's very black and white thinking that parents think they need to be a drill sergeant, yelling, angry, all of those things, when actually parental authority is the exact opposite and there's so much research to back that up. So we can talk a little bit about the research

Research on Parenting Styles

2:42on the various parenting styles, specifically with ADHD kids. So we have a systematic review across 24 studies found parents of children with ADHD use more permissive and more authoritarian styles compared to parents of neurotypical children. So, Mike, I wanted to comment on that real quick because you mentioned that a lot of times parents think that they think they have to be authoritarian. And my experience, and I don't know if you guys find this a grow now, but I find more it's the opposite. Parents are scared of being authoritative

3:15because, for one thing, they get authoritative and authoritarian confused, right? And then the other part is they are scared of being authoritative because, as we know, Mike, you know, permissive parenting has been rebranded on social media as being compassionate and with a bunch of different names I'm not going to mention here. You know, there is some of the most popular parenting influencers in the neurodiverse parenting space, we'll call it. You know, encourage permissive parenting, again, under the guise of being compassionate

3:47and, you know, nervous system regulating, whatever that is supposed to mean. I'm not even sure. So, what we're talking about is the parents here who tend to go on one extreme or the other, that is much more common in families of kids with ADHD. And I think, Mike, if we even take it a step further, and I'm only going to speak for myself here, and I want to hear, you know, your experience, but I often find, Mike, that sometimes, you know, a lot of times what I hear is fathers try to be more authoritarian, which we know is not helpful. And then, you know, often, not that they try,

4:20but necessarily, you know, mothers tend to be more permissive, or sometimes they feel that they have to be more permissive to counteract the father being more authoritarian, sorry. You know, I don't know if that's what you guys find as well. Oh, absolutely, yeah. In terms of the intake calls and parents reaching out to learn more about, you know, our services through Grownow, 99% of the time, it's the mom. It's very rare for one of the dads to reach out to learn about the services and be proactive in their parenting. So basically, when you have an ADHD child,

4:52you learn rather quickly that there's really no playbook, if you will, on how to parent this child. It's incredibly stressful, leads to burnout, and is really, really hard on the parents. And because they have ADHD, a different brain than their neurotypical, you know, counterpart, parents, you know, tend to go to social media for information on how to best parent. And they get absolutely inundated with parenting information because now more than ever, basically every parent's algorithm

5:23is just constant messages on how to be a perfect parent. And what type of social media information does best? Short form, feel good videos that are very fast, very quick, and leave you feeling good. And the best way to do that is to share permissive, low demand things that are all very feel good in terms of like connection seeking and lowering demands and all that kind of stuff. Things that make you feel good that make you feel like parenting is easier,

5:54but we know in the long run are not helpful. And we know this based on research, not based on social media algorithms. So here from this systematic review that we're breaking down here, we found that authoritative parenting is consistently linked with lower ADHD symptom severity, the inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and lower anxiety in kids.

Authoritative Parenting Benefits

6:22So this is a full-on systematic review of 24 different studies showing a lower symptom severity and lower anxiety. That should be absolute music to parents' ears hearing that all of these issues, especially impulsivity and anxiety, are decreased when their parent is comfortable enough to consistently be in their parental authority. So Mike, I think for a minute we should break down for people who don't know what authoritative means, okay? So authoritative parenting means

6:53warmth combined with structure, scaffolding, limits, boundaries. So the way I frame it, I say authoritative parenting is high empathy with high expectations, okay? And what research tells us, and this goes back to the 1960s, that it is the most effective parenting style to raise kids with good mental health outcomes for all kids. Forget about ADHD for a minute, okay? So what Mike just said about the fact that it's been shown to lower ADHD symptoms like inattention, impulsivity,

7:24and lower anxiety, I think that says that when kids feel contained, when they feel emotionally safe because they know parents or caregivers are leading them, that helps lower anxiety and that helps with some of these ADHD symptoms, okay? When kids don't feel contained, when they feel like they don't know who is in charge or the parent is trying to partner with them, that's when they tend to have higher anxiety and tend to show more of these typical ADHD symptoms. So just keep that in mind.

Permissive Parenting Risks

7:54So just wanted to mention to everybody, if you would like to see the research from this, the head clinicians, the head researchers' last name is Q, QIU, so if you look up, you know, QIU, systematic review, you know, ADHD, you should be able to find it online if you'd like to see the study. Exactly. And in terms of these different parenting styles, just to break it down so parents understand, so there's permissive parenting and the number, the best sentence to understand permissive parenting is basically when you overindulge

8:25the child to avoid conflict. There's no better sentence to sum up permissive parenting than that. Giving the kid what they want to keep them calm, to keep them quiet. You know, giving them whatever it is in the moment that they're screaming about, crying about, being disrespectful about. You're doing whatever you can to avoid conflict because you as a parent are not comfortable in conflict. You're worried about the relationship breaking down. You're worried about increasing the child's anxiety or you're not comfortable

8:56seeing your child be temporarily discomforted. there's a lot of various things there that may cause you to overindulge the child to avoid conflict. When it comes to authoritative parenting, what we're talking about today, it's all about what I refer to as reciprocal parenting. I call authoritative parenting reciprocal parenting because it sounds far too much like authoritarian. Authoritative parenting is when you solve problems together with the child. You're not stepping in and saving them

9:27from discomfort. You're walking together and you're asking questions to help them figure it out. You're not keeping them away from failure, saving them from getting in trouble at school the next day or stepping in and solving problems for them. You're working with them to solve them but you're asking questions for them to do it themselves which builds executive functions and independent skills. When the parent sets clear rules and expectations, open communication and natural consequences.

9:58That's authoritative. Not yelling, not screaming, none of that authoritarian stuff that's parent-driven and strict. Authoritative is true 50-50. Okay. So last thing we wanted to mention, we also found out that permissive parenting is associated with higher risk of ADHD symptoms and weaker self-regulation and that was found in a study. The lead researcher for that was, the last name I think is pronounced Set-Yen-Aza and that's a 2022 study.

10:30So that I think, Mike, is no surprise that the permissive parenting style is shown to, you know, well, kids exhibit stronger, I'm sorry, weaker self-regulation. And Mike, I have to say when I read this, you know, it brings me back to when I was working at a school as a school social worker for students with behavior challenges. And, you know, one of the things I can tell you is that we typically found was that the students diagnosed with ADHD

11:00when they came to the school, they were there because their school district felt that they couldn't provide for them. So the school district was paying for them to be there. And I have to say, and I'm not saying this is a judgment, but what we typically found was that those kids with ADHD who had much weaker self-regulation to the extent it was so disruptive in school that they couldn't stay in their home school. What we often found connected to this was very permissive parenting, you know, with those students. So just wanted to put that out there. Exactly. And that's incredibly important

11:31for parents to hear. And, you know, there's a lot of studies that talk about nature versus nurture. And, you know, Dr. Russell Barkley describes it as parents are not engineers. They don't engineer the child and build them up like clay or like Legos. They're shepherds. So they shepherd the kids in to various experiences in life. And one of the most important things that kids learn from parents is reciprocity of relationships where if you are kind to someone, you're respectful to someone, you think about them,

12:02you take their perspective, you do things for them. You know, we can't allow a child to grow up learning that relationships work where you can treat someone very poorly and still get what you want from them. You can't constantly be overindulged to avoid conflict. And, you know, this is why limits and boundaries and, you know, rules and, you know, not overindulging the child to avoid conflict is so healthy

12:32for the brain, especially the time-blind, impulsive, you know, ADHD brain that struggles with self-regulation skills. Yes, it's harder because your child's going to complain more, cry more, scream more. There may be more property damage. There, you know, may be other issues. But these limits and boundaries set them up for long-term success because that's the goal of parents, of parenting, is for your child to live a better life than you did before them. And the best way to do that,

13:03research-based, is authoritative parenting. LinkedIn is pretty amazing at helping you grow your small business. We cannot make your email response time faster. We can help you sell, market, and hire in one place. We cannot help you find space for your three desk drinks. Why do you have three? And while we can't help you find the perfect volume for your presentation video, LinkedIn can help you find the perfect audience for your business. Grow your small business on LinkedIn. Learn more at linkedin.com

13:34slash small business. So, to summarize all this, you know, just what we want you to take away is that kids with ADHD, while they often tend to get less structure at home or more permissiveness or the opposite end, you know, a more authoritarian home where there's more harshness, both worsen outcomes for kids with ADHD. And what we know is that authoritative parenting so that warmth, clear limits, scaffolding, is correlated with better behavior and emotional adjustment. And you know what? You might see things online

14:05saying, you know, well, that's not neurodiverse affirming, you know, or that doesn't work with my child's nervous system. This is research data. So, this is one of the times that we're going to ask you to please look at the, listen to the research data here and make parenting decisions based on research data, not just your emotions, okay? Obviously, parenting is a very emotional experience for anybody, but when we're thinking about the bigger picture here and what we want for our kids long term, make decisions based on research data like this. So, all right. So, Mike, let's move on and talk about why we know

14:35that authoritative parenting, you know, works best. Why don't we talk a little bit about what some of the studies here found? Sure. So, we have another study here by Q, Q-I-U, which talks about why authoritative works best. It's really that warmth and consistency reduces ADHD symptoms and anxiety. So, to me, the number one word that sticks out there is the consistency. That is one of the best things is, you know, Ryan in his parenting

15:06course talks a lot about affective calmness and remaining calm in the face of stress. That is one of the best ways for an ADHD child to learn self-regulation. They're never going to learn it through your words, through your lectures, through your monologues, you telling them to calm down, you telling them to stop and think and process or take deep breaths or any of this co-regulation stuff you hear about. They're going to learn by watching you, which is real co-regulation, which is modeling. You modeling

15:37how to stay calm in the face of stress. So, if your child is screaming at you, cursing at you, demanding things, and you stay cool, calm, and collected, and you don't use excess words, and you hold your boundary, and you are consistent, that is what models self-regulation skills, and that's how they transfer onto the child. Mike, I want to tell you a quick story about that. I haven't thought about it in years, but you, just talking about that, just brought this up. When I first started doing, you know, my middle school guys group,

16:08you know, I have always had a teacher fill out a form so I can get him an understanding of what the kids look like, you know, with their peers in school. And I remember this one kid who was coming for the first time, the teacher put, you know, he tends to be emotionally reactive with, you know, his peers in school and so on, and, you know, tends to, you know, blow, not blow, blow up, but, like, make a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal and so on. And it was interesting because the first time he came to the group, his father dropped him off and his father couldn't find, like, the building, you know, and he finally finds it

16:38and he's, like, you know, like, not screaming, but, like, cursing under his breath and, like, you could just see how incredibly irritated he was. And, you know what, I saw that and I was like, no wonder why this kid is like this in school because this is what's modeled for him at home. So, yeah, so it made sense why he acted this way because affective calmness was not modeled at home. So that's why what Mike said is so important that we have to, you know, teach by doing, not just from having talks or, you know, all these lovely ideas about co-regulation, which is all fine, but at the end of the day, it's what you model at home

17:09that is the most important. Okay, so moving on, the other thing that was found in a study by a researcher, his last name is Stevens, in 2019, is that the authoritative parenting style predicts fewer internalizing symptoms. Internalizing symptoms such as anxiety and depression means that you feel more anxious or depressed inside, basically. So, so what we know is that an authoritative parenting approach reduces those while a permissive

17:39or authoritarian predicts more. So that's basically just to reiterate what we said before that, you know, using an authoritative parenting style helps with, you know, better mental health outcomes and that's been known for generations now, you know, to my knowledge. So, yeah. Yeah, and just like I said earlier, this should really be music to parents' ears because, you know, one of the most difficult things that you can deal with as a parent is when your child is internalizing. You know, they become very anxious, they withdraw,

18:09they're in their room all the time, they're not answering your questions, they're not sitting down with the family at dinner, maybe there's school refusal and it's a really just negative, toxic relationship and what you tend to see with these ADHD permissive parents is they describe it as they're constantly walking on eggshells around their child and that's a very nice way or trendy way of saying my child runs the home, my child creates the emotional tone of the home and everything we do is walking on eggshells

18:40to make sure there's not a bigger blow up. So this authoritative parenting style really decreases that internalizing, gets rid of those eggshells and creates so much more of a positive environment where your child feels comfortable to come to you with their negative thoughts, with their bad day at school. You know, when you pick your kid up from school, oh, what'd you do today? Nothing. Who'd you talk to? Nothing. What was the best part of your day? Leave me alone. You know, all of that stuff, that's so much less likely to happen with authoritative parenting

19:11because you are this authoritative, loving, strong figure in their lives and they know they can come to you for help because you are the strong leader, not the person who bends over backwards to keep them from constantly freaking out. So one thing I wanted to mention about what Mike said was, you know, on a weekly basis, pretty much, I get an email from a parent saying, you know, basically what Mike said that, you know, our child's behavior controls our, you know, whole house, we tiptoe around them and I just want to say, you know, when that happens,

19:42you know, it isn't, we're not blaming parents for that, okay? Because what we know is that most parents, I have a saying that I'm going to share, most parents of kids with ADHD are unintentionally misled as soon as their child is diagnosed. They are never told the evidence-based treatment recommendations, they are never pointed in the direction of effective help. What most parents are told, you know, is here's medicine if you want it and go find a therapist for your kid and research data, extremely clear, therapy is not going to help with self-regulation, therapy is not going to help your child

20:13be more cooperative, it's not going to help with oppositional behavior, it's not going to help with them provoking their siblings, any of those things, okay? But still, and this is, people have a really hard time believing this, but most clinicians, pediatricians, school counselors, psychologists, they don't know the ADHD treatment recommendations, which is why with the best of intentions they constantly refer families to play therapy or some kind of talk therapy, even though the research data, again, is very clear that it's not helpful, all right? So when parents

20:44reach out to us and they say things like, you know, we tiptoe around, you know, our kid, it's not because they're doing this intentionally, it's because they haven't received effective help and that's not their fault, you know? I always believe that parents are doing the best they can at any given moment with the information and resources available to them, so, you know, just keep that in mind. So before we, you know, finish up with some actionable steps, I think it's important, Mike, that we do address because, you know, every day, Mike, I feel like this is more pervasive on social media about how the permissive parenting style has been rebranded

21:15and I just want to share this with you real quick and then you can get into this. I saw a post yesterday, Mike, on social media, I'm not going to say who it was from, it was from, you know, a parenting person and it said your child's oppositional behaviors are really a deep-seated, you know, connection-seeking, you know, thing, right? So the idea that your child's being oppositional because they want connection with you and let me be very honest, I have a term for that, I call it mom-pandering and the reason I call it mom-pandering is to say because that is emotionally, it's an emotionally compelling narrative

21:45used to sell a product to a mother, all right? Because who are most of the people who, you know, look at parenting content? Moms, you know, of course and when, you know, something like that is put out saying, you know, yeah, your kid's oppositional behaviors are because they want deeper connection with you, the intention with that is to make, you know, a parent feel needed and it's to get to them emotionally because as we know in marketing, emotions sell things, not logic, okay? But the thing is with that, there is no validity to that whatsoever.

22:16There is no evidence that you're, that oppositional behavior has anything to do with connection seeking. What does oppositional behavior have to do with? It could be with anxiety, it could be with flexibility, which is one of the core executive function skills, it could be a need for control, which is common with kids who have had some kind of early childhood trauma, you know, or adverse childhood experiences, and it could be novelty seeking behavior because they like that, you know, seeing an emotional reaction from being oppositional. So those are the reasons for oppositional behavior

22:46or accommodation of those, it's not because there's some deep-seated need for connection, you know? So I just wanted to mention that because I saw it yesterday, but Mike, let's talk more about the risks with this, you know, permissive parenting because I think that's really important for people to hear. So I read recently that the vast majority of people out there now get their information from social media. So people are getting their information from Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, as compared to newspapers or the actual news. So the algorithm

23:16has a lot more power over your brain, your mindset, your thoughts, your beliefs than most people realize. And we all know that parenting advice, you know, this concept of the perfect parent and constant parenting advice being thrown at you via the algorithm is a reality for far too many parents. So social media reframing permissive parenting as gentle, compassionate, or child-led. The risk here is that permissive parenting leaves rules fuzzy, which can make ADHD kids

23:47more anxious because they thrive under structure. They crave predictable structure. So permissive parenting kind of gives the child the ability to be the parent themselves, which doesn't feel good as a kid, acting like you, you know, in the moment, it may seem like they're constantly on the quest for control, but that lack of predictable structure really does not help and it causes, you know, a further rift in relationship between parent and child. And the research shows

24:18permissive parenting is linked to more anxiety and poorer self-regulation, especially problematic for kids with ADHD who already struggle with emotional control because that's what it's all about. ADHD is not attention deficit, it's self-regulation deficit. So avoiding conflict may feel compassionate in the moment because that's, you know, what the algorithm's teaching you or that's what feels good, but avoiding conflict can increase chaos and emotional dysregulation

24:48over time. So last thing I want to mention about this, you know, one of the things I've learned from my years of being on social media is that people like labels because labels help them attach a story and a narrative to something and help them make sense of the world. And you know what, sometimes with our kids things just don't make sense but when people can have a label for something and attach a narrative to that label it makes them feel better and particularly what it does it makes them feel like, oh, this is not my fault my child has, you know, insert this label here that's not a diagnosis, okay? But one of the things

25:18you know, I want to mention is that while, you know, parents tend to like labels or they, I shouldn't say like labels, while parents tend to find comfort in labels and catch-all terms