Parenting teens for connection not perfection

Introduction to Teenagers Untangled

0:00Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangled, the audio hug for parents going through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now it's difficult to remain calm as a parent when the world feels unstable and unpredictable. Things have shifted so much in our parenting lifespan from social media to COVID and the financial crash of 2008. I think it's a tricky world to navigate even when we're not guiding kids, which is why I've invited today's guest onto the show

0:30to talk about how our relationship with ourselves will shape our teens' internal voice and practical ways to model positive self-talk in daily life. Ronnie Veramente is a psychotherapist and founder of the Psychotherapy Practice, The Family Room, which is focused on the challenges of parenting, marriage and family life. And she's also the social worker for Mood, a non-profit that aims to empower tweens and teens to manage their feelings. Thanks for being with us. Thank you, Rachel. Pleasure meeting you. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot is how much our children are actually watching

Parental Self Relationship

1:05who we are, not just what we say. And from your perspective, how does a parent's relationship with themselves shape the voice a teenager develops in their own head? I think that the most important meaningful relationship of our lifetime is the one that we have with ourselves. And so loving and nurturing ourselves in all its facets become the compass for how our children will do the same. And I like to think about it in what I call the four Bs, body, bonds, breath, and brain. And so taking care of our bodies, not only about our physical

1:39wellness like movement, going outside, it's also about sleep, nutrition, hydration, checking in with ourselves, not only with how our body's feeling, but how our emotions are feeling, and also trusting our intuition. Then there's bonds. So really trying to find the time to pursue our passions, to find our joy, our purpose, our why, and also to create supportive relationships with people that we trust to really create a community. Then there's breath, which is staying grounded and

2:15rooted in who we are. Things like breath work, journaling, meditation, gratitude, because the way in which we regulate ourselves is the way in which our children will regulate themselves. And then there's brain. You know, how you perceive your reality impacts your mood and how you manage stress, recover from, you know, challenges, how you talk to yourself. They all impact the ways in which our kids talk to themselves. Like our internal voice becomes our children's internal voice. For instance,

2:48if we as parents speak to ourselves with kindness, compassion, generosity, curiosity, respect, then our children will develop that same positive self-talk. But when parents come from a place of self-criticism, they're harsh, they're judgmental, then that mirrors our children's negative self-talk. Yeah. I've written quite a bit recently, particularly on my Substack, about how a lot of parents are struggling with their sense of whether they're doing enough and how they're matching up to

3:20expectations in the world. And, you know, one of my recent mantras is, look, you're doing better than you think you are. Because I think quite often parents set very high expectations for what they should be. And I don't think that's necessarily realistic. And of course, kids then also feel that anxiety. So if a parent is quite self-critical, what might that sound like for a teenager maybe further on? So if a parent's self-critical or saying things like, I can't do this, I'm fat, I'm ugly, nobody

3:51likes me, this is too hard. You know, so imagine growing up in a household where a parent is so harsh to themselves, then that can become, again, the road in which their children will take. We can say that to ourselves and think, well, I've got to be good to myself. But, you know, quite often we don't feel calm and positive all the time. Life is busy and messy and we can find that, you know, healthy self-talk evades us at very important moments. So can you give us an

Modeling Positive Self Talk

4:23example of what it would sound like in a real moment when we're, you know, we are surrounded by things where we're struggling? How can we say things about ourselves or the way that we project to our children that are much more positive? Being honest about how we're feeling, like I'm stressed, I'm really overwhelmed, and I'm going to go do something to take care of myself right now. Like I'm going to go take a walk. I'm going to take a bath. I'm just going to take a breath or 30 right now to regulate myself. And also like

4:56when mistakes happen, as we do all the time with, as parents, to own responsibility, but also to repair. So like there's a rupture that happens between you and your child that you acknowledge it, that you apologize, and they see you doing something to regulate yourself. So whether that's some kind of breathing technique or some grounding technique, the Mood Tools app has become one of my favorite resources, not only for my own children or the children and teens that I work with, but also

5:27for myself. So when a parent, for instance, is struggling with something, like using a breathing technique. So whether that's box breathing, finger tracing breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, like using them in the moment. And so when a parent sees one of their children struggle, hopefully they've been using the Mood Tools app and, you know, identifying a tool or two or three that's really helpful for them. You can't use them unless you learn them. Using them live is one of the best teachers.

6:00Yes. I remember reading about the technique of actually just when you are going through a process of doing something, saying it out loud so that people can understand or your children understand exactly how you go through the iterative process of fixing something that you're finding quite difficult. What's the line between saying, I'm struggling with this and I'm going to take some time out and oversharing. How do we know that when we're expressing that we're finding things difficult, that we're not actually going to stress our kids out? That depends on the age of your child and also

6:34that child's temperament, right? But I think as children get older, we can explore, you know, the amount of information and content that we share. But it's that line of showing your children how to cope without the expectation of having your children fix your problems or be your therapist,

7:04for instance. So saying something like, again, I'm overwhelmed with work right now, so I'm going to go take a bath and I'm going to go talk to your dad. So you can let them know that something's stressing you out, but not expecting them to fix it for you or to listen ad nauseum about what you would say, for instance, to a friend or to your partner about what you're struggling with. But again, as they get older, being honest about how you're feeling and showing them how you're

7:36coping in positive ways, whether that's with the mood tools app or whether that's going for a run or going to a yoga class or taking a dance class or again, going out in nature and just taking a walk. I like what you're saying, because I think as I've got older, I've been a bit more honest with my kids when I found things particularly difficult. But again, I love that not expecting them to fix it for me. No. Yeah. Yeah. And again, self-regulation becomes such an important tool because when we self-regulate,

8:07then our children follow. And, you know, certainly, you know, I'm sure parents recognize that when children are falling apart and parents then escalate, then everybody else escalates. But when children escalate and parents remain calm and grounded, then their teen, tween, child will eventually meet them at a place of calm and regulation. Right. So you don't have to get on the emotional roller coaster. You can stay on the platform. I love that. Yeah. Allowing them to have their ups and downs and not joining in.

Family Rituals and Connection

8:41Are there other small family rituals that you think can be very useful? Well, I think, again, the gift of a family meal is not to be underestimated, right? So I really do encourage families to have as many family meals together as possible, no matter how old they are, even when kids go away to college and they come back, right? Without any screens, without any distractions, family meals are meant for connection and conversation, authenticity. And what I love

9:14is creating these rituals around family meals. So whether it's like when my kids were really little, we used to do this thing called rose thorn bud. I don't know if that's something that you've heard of, where everybody goes around the dinner table and you talk about the rose of the day, the bud of the day, the thorn of the day and the bud. So the rose is something that, you know, you're something positive, something that made you feel happy and fulfilled. Your thorn is a not so pleasant thing, something that was challenging or painful. And the bud is what you're looking

9:47forward to tomorrow. So that was our daily practice during our mealtime, during dinner, we will go around the table. Or sometimes I would switch it up and I would ask, like, say something positive or something that you're grateful for about the person who's sitting next to you on your left. And we would just go around. We also have this practice of a gratitude jar where no matter, not just our family, but whoever came into the house was invited to write a little note of what they were grateful for that day and plop it into the gratitude jar. And what we do,

10:18what we used to do at the end of the year on New Year's Eve is we would read all of them. Oh, I love this. And it's, you know, and then I would kind of put them in a book and, you know, kind of like a keepsake kind of thing. So, you know, these are just like little rituals, but they have like so much meaning. And then, you know, rather than waiting for something awful to happen, creating a routine of having weekly family meetings to just talk about what's working and what's not. So it's not

10:48like an emergency. Like we have to have a family meeting, but it's just something that's set in stone, you know, something that is part of your family system. Also, what I love is, is you have a journal that anyone's welcome in your family, that anyone is welcome to write in, because sometimes it's hard to just have a conversation one-on-one or to have it like eye to eye. But if it's in a family journal, then again, it's something that anybody has access to

11:20in your family and that anyone can read. And it's just another way of communicating. So again, points of connection. Another thing that I'm really passionate about is really keeping screens away from connection time, meaning morning time, morning routines, mealtimes, in the car, and bedtime. Because these are the moments when our children are really, again, seeking connection and communicating without any kind of distraction. This is when the real stuff can come out because we're all so busy that if you don't create the time and carve

11:57the time, then there's so much missed opportunity for getting to know each other and really supporting one another. And, you know, other rituals can be, again, the gift of the family meal, but things like, you know, weekly game night, a Sunday beach walk, I'm going to the farmer's market. Again, my family does an annual camping trip every summer before school. Do you? Yes. We do. And we've been doing this now for, oh gosh, I think we're coming on 14 or 15 years now.

12:31No screens. And we go to the same spot every summer and we just enjoy the simplicity of being together and being out in nature. And it is so rejuvenating and so healing and peaceful. And again, because there's just so much pressure on everyone, it's just a really lovely way to relax and be connected. God, I absolutely love that. I've got a similar thing every summer. We go hiking in the Alps

13:02and, you know, we've got varying levels of interest in actually doing the hard hikes, but it's just one of those things that has become so important to us because it's a shared time and a shared memory. And I put the pictures up on a private account and my daughter once said to me, you know, if I'm feeling a bit low and that you're not around, I'll just go into those photos and I can see, you know, because I write a little diary entry for each day. And so that's different because that's an online version. But I love all these things. And I think the rituals are where the connection

13:37actually happens and solidifies. And the family meal, I mean, that is the absolute bedrock of my family. And I can't eat in the house when, you know, at dinner, if one of the kids isn't there or one of the people in the house, if there's a person in the house and they're not there, I just feel really uncomfortable and unhappy about it. And what's lovely about it is the different generations get to share their viewpoints and their stories. And I don't know, it's like a taking in turns. I don't know. There's just so much that happens with the family, shared family meals. So I'm always really

14:09surprised when I find it doesn't have to happen every night because I know people are busy. But when I find that people aren't doing that, it breaks my heart because it's something I would have liked when I was a child. And I want my kids to grow up thinking, carrying that on. And it becomes such a foundational practice, you know. And what I also love seeing is like when my boys would bring friends over, they would have an experience of having a family meal without phones, which is not that common anymore. And again, again, time to simply be together. And then when my

14:46college-age son comes home, it's just out of habit that he comes, you know, he's not that he's home every night for dinner because he wants to see his friends, but he makes that a priority. Yeah. Yeah. So it's lovely. Yeah. And I think one of the things we struggle with is when we don't achieve what we'd like to achieve. And I've done a lot of talking and thinking about expectations versus outcomes and the happiness that gets thrown at the wayside when our outcome doesn't meet those expectations.

15:19And always the thing is growth. We want growth rather than focusing on the final goal. But how do you see that, you know, in terms of parents when they're thinking about setting out their expectations of family life and how well they do and they feel like they're not matching up to it? Are there kind of tips that you can give to parents for coping with the sense that maybe their kids aren't what they hoped they were going to be? Maybe their life isn't the way that they were expecting it to be? Approaching parenting with a lens of curiosity, I think, can relieve parents of that internal

15:58pressure, right? And really focusing on the process and progress over perfection.

16:07Again, if we don't give that to ourselves, then it's hard to give that to anybody else. Right. Yes, of course. Right. So really being reflective of what that journey is for us in terms of perfectionism and expectations and outcomes. So, you know, when we celebrate effort, that celebrates a growth mindset rather than an outcome-driven one. It celebrates resilience and persistence and normalizing that

16:41challenge. Mistakes are all part of the journey. But the one thing that I also like to emphasize with parents is that our children are not their failures or mistakes, nor are they their successes. They are loved and celebrated regardless, simply because they exist. Yes. They matter and they're loved unconditionally no matter what. And children feel that.

17:11And how can we convey that though? Do you know, we can say, oh, you're loved, I loved you no matter what, but it would be really nice if you got this grade. How do we convey that? So being very specific in your language. So I noticed that that was really hard for you, but you kept going or you asked for help. Or I see that you're really frustrated that you didn't get the grade that you wanted, but you tried your hardest and that's what matters most. And again, being mindful of your own language about yourself when you're struggling.

17:48Yeah. Right? Like I was really frustrated that I couldn't get X, Y, or Z, but I'll practice and work on it next time. Yeah. Rather than being harsh. Yeah. And are there any other things that you'd like to say to parents about the way that we can become kinder to ourselves? Because again, I know that there have been a lot of comments about the stress that parents are under and the stress we put ourselves under. You know,

18:21are there other things you can say to parents to make, to help us see a different way of viewing ourselves? Be who you want to see. Our children are sponges, right? They absorb everything they see, hear, feel, experience, especially the how, what, where, when, why of parents. And so if we want our children to be resilient and happy and kind and loving and compassionate and generous, authentic,

18:53present, then we have to live those ourselves. Because then that paves the way for our children to be the same. And to also let go of perfectionism. Because it doesn't exist. No. I think there's an awful lot of that, though. Don't you think? Of course there is. I think, but what I mean is I think that actually in the last maybe 20, 30 years, perfectionism has risen dramatically, this sense that there is a right way to do things.

19:24Do you think that? I mean, you've been around for a while. I mean, I've been around for a while. Oh, absolutely. I mean, we are in a mental health crisis. Children of all ages and parents are under tremendous pressure. Systems that don't necessarily support families. I think there are unrealistic expectations. There are a lot of shoulds. Yeah. Right. And a lot of, you know, keeping up with the Joneses at the expense of one's mental health and well-being. And so at the end of the day,

20:06we are our most important relationship to ourselves in our entire lifetime.

20:15So really letting that soak in and who, like, how do you want to live your life? How do you want your children to live their lives? How do you want to show up for yourself and the people that you love? Because again, our children soak it all up and they follow suit. Yeah. So, you know, if we want our children to be, and listen, the pressure is real. Challenges are real. It's how we cope with them.

20:48And so if we want our children to become resilient and to be kind and compassionate to themselves, then we have to practice the same and to worry less about what other people think and to stay true and rooted in our authentic selves. Yeah, absolutely. I saw a brilliant thing recently where this woman said, my husband keeps a photo of me on his dashboard of his car when I was six to remind him

21:24that I was once a little girl and I deserve the compassion that a little girl deserves. And I thought, isn't that absolutely brilliant? And shouldn't we be doing that about ourselves? Yes. So talking to ourselves as if we're that little child and showing ourselves that level of affection and compassion and... Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. To parent ourselves in the ways in which we needed and perhaps didn't get for a variety of reasons, you know, to love ourselves in the ways that we needed

21:55or still need. Yeah. Yeah. It really boils down to that very simple but complicated journey of loving and nurturing oneself as a way to pave the road for our children. Is there anything else you'd like to tell parents before we finish? The relationship with ourselves is the most meaningful and the most important. So treat yourself... Get that right. Yes. Treat yourself with loving... Well, get it... Well,

22:28the other thing, get it right. But when you get it wrong... That's okay. Be kind and forgive yourself and you learn. Yes. You do better. Yes. We're human. I always say to my kids, you either win or you learn. Right. It's going to be great either way. This is true. This is true. This is true. Brilliant. Ronnie, if people want to find you, how would they go about that? They can find me at familyroomla.com and certainly the Mutuals. If you want to get in contact with me, I'm on teenagersuntangled at gmail.com. I have a website,

23:04which is teenagersuntangled.com and my sub stack is the same. I mean, it's all teenagers untangled. And I love it when you send me comments, suggestions, questions, anything like that. Our guests, if you want to contact them, we're open for business. We're open for questions and any feedback. If you love this, please send it to at least one other person that you know that might benefit because that would be absolutely amazing. And most of my new listeners come from your recommendations. So that would be amazing. That's it for this week. Big hug from me. Bye-bye.

23:49Bye-bye.